HELLO CHARLOTTE AND JOANNE.
THIS POST IS JUST FOR THE SAKE OF LETTING YOU SEE YOUR NAMES CAUSE YOU ALL KEEP COMPLAINING THAT MY BLOG IS EPIC DEAD. x_x

heh.
I still love you both like before k. :)

Ps. That includes whether you still trust me or not, it doesn't matter anymore.

♥ 10:05 PM

Dear Diary,


I don't understand why I'm such a failure in life. I keep trying to keep my spirits up, but I don't know why I'm starting to feel so down recently. I'm not supposed to be feeling like this, its so shit. Maybe I'm just plain greedy, that I don't cherish people around me. But when I do, it gets so so so hard. I write notes to myself, I vent by writing. There's no one else I feel that I can speak to. They won't listen. Either that, or I can't bring myself to tell them. I don't even know why I'm in such a state.


Karma, retribution. Maybe. I should be so grateful to friends around me. But everytime I look back and think, 'hey she's quite nice ley', then she disappears with her own friends. I mean, everybody has their own friends. I don't fit in the way I want to. I miss so many things in life that I want back, but I know it's not gonna happen, no matter how hard I try. I'm grateful to have my family behind me though I'm not always happy with them, but they've been there for me no matter what. I'm really happy that my relationship with my brother is improving slightly. We don't get into fights that often anymore. My mother's really strict, and my dad's never happy with my results, but I know them still love me no matter what happens. ♥


I suppose I'm oversensitive, maybe there's some misunderstanding, that I hope so much it is. But I'll never ask, so I suppose it'll remain like this. Yeah, so if I don't speak, nothing's wrong. I don't know why, but sometimes, I feel so close to someone, then the next day, they treat me like nothing happened the day before. I'm so confused. We're supposed to be close, but we break apart so easily. I suppose I suck at this, cause there'll always be someone out there, that'll be a much better friend than me. I knew this was coming, I wish I was back in the old days, where things were much less complicated. I don't even know why I'm complicating things myself.


I know I keep things to myself at times, but yet express myself much sometimes I feel like I've said things I shouldn't. I can't speak well, so I'd rather write. But after I write notes/letters, I tear them and throw it away in the bin cause I've no courage. :/ I don't even know why we can't have a group of friends, and why we must have a special friend called a best friend. Why can't we have best friends? Why must they tell secrets in my face, when I can't know what it is? Gah, I'm freaking myself out, really. I feel like a total moron being oversensitive and trying to change just to please some people. ): I AM A MORON I AM AN IDIOT I AM STUPID AND I AM OVERSENSITIVE. Okay this sucks to th max.

Gah, I don't know why, I'll always feel so left out, but I've thought it through, that its not really worth it all, I don't even know why I bother to please people who can't stand me. ):

Ps, goodluck for O'levels. I guess I'm over this. Shall not rant anymore, thank you diary. :)

♥ 6:06 PM

Its scary how you seem to still see my misery though everything I seem to put up.

Anyway I've just read one of the emails you've sent to me in the past and I realised how much I took for granted and that we've had been close friends before.
I suppose that's in the past already.

Anyhow, thanks for making my life so complicated and fake. I don't even know what's real anymore. And I've lost trust in everything and everyone. I regret for the fact that we were even friends though we went through great times together. At least I think so.

Ps/ I think I'll be updating more often 'cause it seems like nobody wants to listen, and even those that want to, I can't bring myself to pour things out to you. Sorry.

♥ 3:29 PM

- to be happy.

Saw Mr Chew in school today and he said he saw my Biology book in the General Office. :D Happy like an energizer bunny whoo! ^^
Too bad the General Office is closed, shall go and check it out in Tuesday, hopefully its there! Then, I'll put my newly bought Biology book with some highlighting and notes on sale. :) Maybe to the juniors, shall sell it for $30, though I bought it for $32.95 and its a gain cause there's notes inside and its wrapped! :D

But we'll see how lor. Maybe I can sell for $33 or $34? :D HAHAHAH, okay joke.
(BUT REALLY GOOD AS NEW!!)

(Its really good to be happy!) Though I already bought a new one, well, 塞翁失马，焉知非福. ):
Good things not necessarily good, bad things not necessarily bad. :)
I lost my Biology book, may get it back but I bought a new one. Buy a new one, but I can sell to someone cheaper help them save $$$! :) Hahaha, hopefully I'll stop regretting. :D

Ps/ Had this real strong sixth sense I would get my book back so I hesitated to write on the book, but I chose to ignore this feeling. My mum says female instincts are strong, especially when I felt it so strongly. ): Gah, next time I should trust myself more.

Ahaaa, its okay. :D
wheeee, tata. <:

♥ 6:56 PM

HAHAH, Mr Rodrigues says Imma energizer bunny! ^^ Lol, it was funny.

Lost my bio book yesteday, depressed like mad. ): But bought a new one today, hope I'll get to recover all my old notes, though highly impossible. Whoever took my biology book, I hope you get good grades cause I've great notes! :) I believe its no use cursing him/her.

Went to help juniors a little, I guess they're okay, though our batch would be slightly better. Was like some sauna but we went in anyway. They didn't wanna open doors. ): Gah.

Wrapping my biology book then my lover (liyi) was talking to me then I wanted to reply her so I swinged my hand and cut my right index finger with the penknife I was holding in my left hand. And it was in lock. -_- (means won't go back down one) Hahah, cause I lazy open close open close. So my fault lor. D:

Ps. Liyi's my lover cause she say I look damn pretty with my hairstyle. Hahaha, but the main reason was cause its slightly easier to tie and I don't have to care about how my ponytail looks. :) Hahaha, bad hair day earned me a compliment! <:

♥ 5:26 PM

If you hate me, please, tell it to me in my face. I'm sick of getting to know stuffs like this. I really wanna trash things out so that everything will be okay again. But its so tough to talk to you guys now.

If you really are out to make my life miserable, go ahead. If you're happy to see me sad, go ahead and tell me. I'll be sad 24/7 so that you'll be happy.

♥ 10:32 PM

.. you're supposed to tell me that right.

Disclaimer: Ranting, please do NOT read, even if you do, I don't really need comments.

You fucking broke your promise, & I'm supposed to live with it. And so its over. I bet you told it to everyone. It doesn't matter anything to you right? 'cause you know I can take it, maybe after crying and frustrations, but you knew I could take it. You knew that I'd forgive you, cause I always do. But why, why must you do it. I really hate this, it's really my life and I'm supposed to have full control over it. Now I'm super effed up, but I believe I've already vented all my frustrations, but you never saw one bit of it, so I guess it doesn't matter. Now I'm so tired, but I don't really wanna tell you how much damage you've done. You probably made me lose my trust in you. Tell me, how am I supposed to live with all these shit. Be glad I'm still typing this calmly, and not shouting everything in your face. You try to please me thereafter, but for you information, the damage is done, and it can't be undone. Fuck it, I don't really wanna talk about this, its really wasting all my energy. I know you're strong, and I'm weak, that's why I'm even ranting this. But I've nowhere to vent this anymore, I don't really think you want me to start crying again, it really makes me tired and worn out. If suddenly, I wasn't here anymore, I'm sure you'll regret your decision like hell, but I'm not so foolish to do anything, just to make you guilty. So that's that, I hope you'll never know this, its gonna be one of the darkest secrets, and you won't know its you. You would never guess it, even if you chance upon this. So goodbye now.

And you, you would never come along, unless you felt I needed someone somehow, or that you're plain bored. Yes, I know I mean nothing, and that you don't even mean what you say, so I'll take that just as an entertainment. I don't know how I'm supposed to make you my close friend, though you're really good at comforting. You don't share, you expect it to be one sided. And you come and go. When you go, you don't really realise that's the time I need someone to talk to the most. I know, typing things out can really make people misunderstand. If I added a :D or (: smiley, you would think I'm really okay, or happy. But truth is, its not always true. People tend to hide their feelings, alot. I've done that too. I'd probably tell you, "I'm really okay. :D" but I might not be. But it doesn't matter, its all trival. Seriously, I don't even know why I feel like I'm gaining sympathy. I don't even need it. I guess I'll just be myself, and I don't even wanna tell anyone even if I'm feeling real lousy anymore. It really doesn't make a difference at all. Ugh, why am I so similar to ***** right now. :/ Am I really that deprived of love and concern? I don't think so, right? ):

Blogging is my best friend, cause I can always put my emotions, and it'll keep it a secret for me. Nobody will know. And I don't even have to tell anyone about it, yet I get to rant. Its good that I can get things off my chest sometimes.
Now my eyes are really really tired. D:
Goodbye best friend.

♥ 10:56 AM