The Awesome.

To give.

2011-04-19T22:36:00.001+08:00

A tale of Two Seas

Sitting in the Geography class in school, I remember how fascinated I was when we were being taught all about the Dead Sea. As you probably recall, the Dead Sea is really a Lake, not a sea (and as my Geography teacher pointed out, if you understood that, it would guarantee 4 marks in the term paper!)
Its so high in salt content that the human body can float easily. You can almost lie down and read a book! The salt in the Dead Sea is as high as 35% - almost 10 times the normal ocean water. And all that saltiness has meant that there is no life at all in the Dead Sea. No fish. No vegetation. No sea animals. Nothing lives in the Dead sea.

And hence the name: Dead sea.

While the Dead Sea has remained etched in my memory, I don't seem to recall learning about the Sea of Galilee in my school Geography lesson. So when I heard about the Sea of Galilee and the Dead Sea and the tale of the two seas - I was intrigued. Turns out that the Sea of Galilee is just north of the Dead Sea. Both the Sea of Galilee and the Dead Sea receive their water from river Jordan. And yet, they are very, very different.

Unlike the Dead Sea, the Sea of Galilee is pretty, resplendent with rich, colorful marine life. There are lots of plants. And lots of fish too. In fact, the sea of Galilee is home to over twenty different types of fishes.

Same region, same source of water, and yet while one sea is full of life, the other is dead.. How come?

Here apparently is why. The River Jordan flows into the Sea of Galilee and then flows out. The water simply passes through the Sea of Galilee in and then out - and that keeps the Sea healthy and vibrant, teeming with marine life.

But the Dead Sea is so far below the mean sea level, that it has no outlet. The water flows in from the river Jordan, but does not flow out. There are no outlet streams. It is estimated that over a million tons of water evaporate from the Dead Sea every day. Leaving it salty. Too full of minerals. And unfit for any marine life.

The Dead Sea takes water from the River Jordan, and holds it. It does not give. Result? No life at all.

Think about it.

Life is not just about getting. Its about giving. We all need to be a bit like the Sea of Galilee.

We are fortunate to get wealth, knowledge, love and respect. But if we don't learn to give, we could all end up like the Dead Sea. The love and the respect, the wealth and the knowledge could all evaporate. Like the water in the Dead Sea.

If we get the Dead Sea mentality of merely taking in more water, more money, more everything the results can be disastrous. Good idea to make sure that in the sea of your own life, you have outlets. Many outlets. For love and wealth - and everything else that you get in your life. Make sure you don't just get, you give too. Open the taps. And you'll open the floodgates to happiness.

Make that a habit. To share. To give.

And experience life. Experience the magic!

2011-04-16T17:01:00.003+08:00

Take your Empathy test!

0 - 32 = low (most people with Asperger Syndrome or high-functioning autism score about 20)
33 - 52 = average (most women score about 47 and most men score about 42)
53 - 63 is above average
64 - 80 is very high
80 is maximum

I GOT 55 :o

Emotions relapse

2011-04-11T21:27:00.004+08:00

I don't know why I feel so emotional now but I really need a ranting space before I really break down. I appreciate how people always try to be there for me, but sometimes it just doesn't help because its all inside me and how I feel. No matter how I try to put it into words, it never comes out exactly how I'm feeling inside.

I feel so used. So like a substitute. I don't feel valued nor even appreciated for. Everybody can just irk me so easily. I feel very sensitive. But fuck, I wasn't like this before. Why has this new school moulded me into such a miserable person? Why can't they make me feel like this is my second home like how Xinmin never fails to do? Why?

They're making me lose my passion for something that used to get my going in school. Something that was a source of motivation and encouragement. They're ruining my life. They're not giving chances. They're taking every single little thing that's so priceless away from me.

I really hate this. I really want to break down now.

This feeling inside can't even be explained with just plain words. All these are just understatements. I'm too naive to think this feeling of regret will go away. I know it won't. I must just hang in there and hopefully I won't die halfway through this 2 year journey. (or maybe 3)

I MISS XINMIN SECONDARY SCHOOL AND MY COHORT PEOPLE TO THE MAX. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.

And the best part probably comes when the people I need the most doesn't even realise how much I need them now.

Lies and the heart to deceive and mislead.

2011-04-06T23:53:00.004+08:00

I don't understand why some people just can't tell the truth and have to hide it. Be someone you are, and not someone you try to be. Because its so god damn obvious I feel like telling you in the face that you should stop trying to do it simply due to the reason that I can totally see through you, and why wouldn't others? Don't try to mislead me with some answers so that it can shut me up or satisfy me even for that little moment.

Somehow I'd rather you not tell me an answer. I admit I'll keep whining about it and making you tell me the answer, but at least I'm not misled, YET. I hate it when people lie. For whatever fucking reason. Unless its a white lie with a good supporting reason to use it, yes. But if you just tell me we aren't close and all, I'd accept it in the end too, wouldn't I? Urgh damn just hate this feeling of people not trusting me.

On a lighter note, I'm happy for my birthday celebrations. Thanks to the badminton team esp Ei Huan and Yunru that ran in the rain for the cake, Yina, Darren, Yuxian & Jason for the cards and Sisterhood for the cake! :) Not forgetting Liyi, Yuxiang and Harvest for gifts no matter how small! ^^ AND MY BEST CRAYON WHO HAS THE SAME BIRTHDAY AS ME FOR THE PRETTY CARD AND CUTE LITTLE DINO CUPCAKE THAT I DID NOT MANAGE TO EAT SINCE THE ANTS BEAT ME TO IT. :(

Birthdays are supposed to be joyful, not tearful.

2011-04-04T17:59:00.003+08:00

Yeah I'm likka crying little bitch now.

Can't go out for dinner even on my birthday eve. I feel thoroughly screwed. And I'm even chided for having a boyfriend. I can never go out. Not on any of the 365 days. Even if I do, I NEVER get to stay over. Overprotective strict parents? Definite yes. My whole life should just be getting A's and earning lots of money in the future.

I never get any support in my family. And you guys ask why I always attend to my phone. And you guys ALWAYS think that after giving me all that shit, giving me a hug and telling me you love me solves everything. I'm telling you, the hurt that you've caused never goes away. There's no hurt that ever goes away no matter what you do. No matter what ANYONE does.

Sorry is just for forgiveness - a promise you'll never use their past sins against them. But no, it never makes the hurt go away even if I feel better.

My birthday is screwed already even before it arrived. I just hope tomorrow will be a better day for me. :(

Tumblr

2011-03-31T21:34:00.001+08:00

Never should've thought life's gonna be smooth.

2011-03-31T20:37:00.003+08:00

LifeFrame is like fun. :))

Its been a problematic week, but I guess I've survived so far.

Can't stand how people never really accept me for who I am. Its starting to make me want to change, to change out of this personality that I've had for years. One that I've felt so comfortable and happy with. Now I've to change.

And I'm not even changing for even the slightest bit of a smart reason. Nor does it even make sense.

Everybody has flaws, but do remember that everybody do have strengths. I've learnt to hang out with people I don't like, but I don't openly show that I dislike them. Yes, I may ignore them a little here and there, but I don't ignore them entirely. Basically I'm just trying to avoid getting myself all worked up and ruining friendships in the end. Afterall, I believe that everybody deserves a chance, a second chance, and sometimes even the third.

I miss my secondary school alot. Though there were so many conflicts here and there, but we survived it all. We forgave and forgot, we gave in and took, we accept and get accepted, we comfort and hurt, we cry and laugh - but all in all, it ended happily. Till now, I haven't really felt the 'omg i love this school and this team max'. We've had conflicts in our old team, many in fact, but I've never felt like this before. I've never fucking cried because of people I'm not even close with. But yesterday I did, and I can't remember how many times I did that last night. I've never even cried for so long before. And the simple reason was - I felt inferior. I didn't feel good enough. I couldn't meet expectations. I didn't behave the ideal way. I couldn't feel comfortable, nor express myself. It just didn't feel like MY team. The people I've accepted became strangers, and the strangers become my friends. I don't know what's going on.

I just don't like the feeling of this. I hate feeling inferior. My self-esteem's going down all over again. I don't even wanna be viewed in the light. I just want to be more capable.

I'M GONNA FUCKING PROVE EVERYBODY WRONG. Because I never believe I won't get up after a fall. No matter how deep I fell, I'm getting up all over again. I'm not gonna give up on myself like how I always used to. I'm never gonna let myself down anymore.

T, I'm sorry you feel that I'm avoiding you now, but I'm just not so prepared to give you the third chance so soon. Maybe because I'm facing complications myself, and my heart can't settle. You'll soon realise what has gone wrong, and maybe someday you'll realise that this is what the society like. You shouldn't assume we're like your secondary school friends, because we aren't. Neither are all of you any like my secondary school friends. Everybody just change over time, and even I've to change now. So maybe someday I'll be opening up to you again, and hopefully you're not gonna try and hurt us all over again.

XMS

2011-03-27T14:05:00.002+08:00

Just talked to weepin and now I really really miss Xinmin a hell lot.

All that memories and all the warmth of my friends, seniors, juniors, teachers and even admin staffs, principals, vice-principals, everything. The whole year when I was in my secondary four, with or without training, was awesome.

I still miss my coach a hell lot of course, and my awesomest team. Not forgetting my class, cohort, and everybody that made my experience there worthwhile.

I'd pay any price to go through it all again.

The feeling I get when I wake up every morning, dead tired and whining, but deep down I've this burning passion to go to school and see all my friends and enjoy life.

Even if its just studying together.

Beautiful places.

2011-03-27T12:29:00.002+08:00

"The most beautiful place isn't the place with the best view or the greatest scenery.

It's the place that your heart is at ease, even when you're alone.

You could be in the middle of the deadliest ocean and you're all calm.

You can feel the breeze gently blowing, kissing your cheeks.

You can feel your hair swishing, you breathe in the freshest air and there's nothing more that you would want to do but to keep standing there.

A reassuring arm is on your shoulder. You enjoy the company of each other, in silence.

I wonder if Heaven is like that, where we can just stand there and watch the people we love, living their lives away. Our hearts at ease, pounding so silently, you can't find your pulse.

2 years has since passed. And we all went on our separate ways, some still in touch, some completely forgotten, but we all reunite today. Claudia, hope Heaven is how you want and how you like it to be. Hope you life up there, isn't painful. Happy 2nd year Claudia...."

Taken from Geokmin's blog.

Happy girl with pierced ear! :))

2011-03-19T00:10:00.002+08:00

Did I mention I went to pierce my ears yesterday? It was like so awesome. Even the compass point 77th street lady was so super nice. I saw her and thought she'd be like those damn attitude one especially after I saw her talk to her friend like a little not happy. :x

Oh well, never judge a book by its over, cause she was awesomely nice. She waited v patiently for me to be FULLY prepared and didn't rush me at all. Instead she was v polite and uber patient. I like man! ;) Maybe that's why it didn't really hurt. She was quite gentle I guess. :))

YAY ME IZ LIKE HAPPY GIRL WITH PIERCED EAR. SHALL UPLOAD PHOTOS SOON.

HAD FUN @ TODAY'S OUTING WITH THE BADMINTON GIRLS CAUSE I MIZZ THEM LIKE LOADS AND LOADS AND STUDYING WITH NEMO AND RED NOSE REINDEER WAS FAIL BUT MANY MANY PICTURES TAKEN! ^^

Yay upload next round. Now need to go to sleep. Aye, Xinminians forever the most awesome cause they always make me feel like I belong and I just feel so damn comfortable with them. Even Wanyi today damn awesomely nice to me and she kinda opened up a little to me! Haha thought this day would never come.

YES ME IS GOING TO GO TO SLEEP A HAPPY GIRL NOW. :))

Luv y'alls! (L)

How to be a better person.

2011-03-12T15:31:00.003+08:00

Listen more.
Critisize less, keep thoughts to self.
Do not lose temper especially with people I love.
Do not judge.
Take a deep breath when feeling resentment and see things in a different perspective.
Empathize others.
Control my attitude and not overreact.
Do not get too emotional.
Live without pretending, love without depending, listen without defending, speak without offending.
Cherish, and count my blessings.

I miss all the friendships that we all took so long to make perfect.

And now that we've gone through all the obstacles meant to break us up, we graduated.

All the conflicts, arguments, blog wars, resentment, anger, disappointments, tears - they're all deeply etched in my heart. Because some friendships just never get forgotten no matter how far we're all apart now.

I miss every single one of you, because all of you made world a place I know it to be.

I just wish it'd stay that way.

That longing of belonging.

2011-03-10T20:21:00.002+08:00

It doesn't matter that I look horrid here. Because the times then were so beautiful. I was whining my whole life away in Xinmin I pressume, and then now that I've left, the feeling eats me from inside out.

Nothing's gonna feel the same anymore. I've been left out in Xinmin, but the feeling, the homeliness is irreplaceable. The people, the conflicts, the teachers; even with all the flaws taken into consideration, triumphs everything I'm going through now.

Life really sucks. Just thinking about Xinmin makes me wanna cry. My team, my classmates, our fooling around, gossiping sessions, rumours, EVERY SINGLE THING. I miss our cohort. I really really do. I admit I didn't wanna come into Xinmin, but when I stepped into the school, I knew I was gonna miss it when I leave. I didn't know why then, but now I do. My instincts were right.

I just live in regret everyday with the decisions I make ever since I graduated. I don't mind taking O's again as long as this feeling goes away. This feeling is gonna eat me up for two whole darn years.

Hahaha cuteness max.

2011-03-06T11:55:00.002+08:00

Woah I think last time I'm like effing cute. Hahaha buay tahan.

Today imba good mood Idk why. Maybe cause I slept like super long, or maybe its cause of the movie yesterday. Aye, Ei Huan just damn funny I also buay tahan. ^^

She was crying before yewheng asked her if Henry died. She had to turn her head away before telling him yes cause like awkward max. Imba funny.

Idk why but it still makes me laugh.

Shit this is not good.

Forgiving max.

2011-03-05T18:31:00.002+08:00

Some things are not meant to be held on for so long. Hating is tiring.

I'm gonna try my very best not to be bias against anyone so k.

I LET GO SO YOU BETTER STOP ANNOYING PLEASE KTHXBAI.

I think I very good girl.

And I think I laugh too much.

I think I talk too much.

Me shall try to be silent girl as much as possible.

No more noisy girl alr k.

Airport studying!

2011-02-26T22:22:00.002+08:00

Went to airport to study yesterday and was too tired when I reached home so I didn't really like post although I wanted to say like tons of stuff hahaha.

But now I forgot so ..

HAHAHAHA shall forget it.

The main thing is - I finally touched my homework after a week of non-mugging.

Like feel so proud only! ^^

Parents' orientation today, nothing much just that I think YW mother loves Dora a tons lot and keep siding him. And she has an iphone but can't use Teh's to take picture but can with her own LOL. Like damn joke only. :x

MUST STOP USING COMP. :(

The greatest irony of love

2011-02-26T22:21:00.002+08:00

Loving the right person at the wrong time or having the wrong person when the time is right; finding out you love someone after that person walks out of your life. For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person. Some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else. Most relationships tend to fail not because of the absence of love, but because love is always present. It’s just that one was being loved too much, and the other was being loved too little. Most often, we fall in love with the person we think we love, but to only discover that for them we are just for past times. While the one who truly loves us remains either your friend or a stranger.

When you think of your past love; you may view it as a failure; but when you find a new love, you view the past as a teacher. In the game of love, it doesn’t really matter who won or who lost. What’s important is that you know when to hold on and when to let go. You know that you love someone when you want him or her to be happy, even if their happiness means that you’re not apart of it. Everything happens for a reason and for its best. If the person you love doesn’t love you back, don’t be afraid to love someone else again, for you’ll never know unless you give it a try.

You’ll never truly love a person, unless you risk for their love; love strives in hurting. If you don’t get hurt, then you won’t learn how to love. Love doesn’t hurt all the time; though the hurting is there to test you, to help you grow. Don’t find love, let love find you; that’s why it’s called falling in love, because you don’t need to force yourself to love, you just fall. You cannot finish a book without closing the chapters. If you want to move on, then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages.

Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress. But why is it that the greatest irony of love is letting go when you want to hold on, and holding on when you need to let go? You can never find the right person if you can never let it go of the wrong, but at the same time the moment you feel like letting go, you remember why you held on for so long. Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.
To love is to risk rejection, to live is to risk dying and to hope is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing at all. To reach for another is to risk involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose your true self. To love is to risk not being loved in return.

How to define love: Fall but do not stumble. Be constant but not too persistent. Share and never be unfair. Understand and try not to demand. Hurt but never keep the pain.
Love is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling. It should inspire you and give you joy and strength. But sometimes the things that give you joy can also hurt you in the end. Loving people means giving them the freedom; whom they choose to be and where they choose to go. Loving someone means giving them the freedom to find their way, whether it leads towards you or away from you.

Love can be a painful risk. To love means that risk must be taken, no matter how scary or painful, for only then will you experience the fullness of humanity of what we call love. If you’re not ready to cry, if you’re not ready to take the risk and if you’re not ready to feel the pain, then you’re not ready to fall in love.

---------------------------------------

Got this from tumblr, thought it really made sense. :)

C.

2011-02-24T22:22:00.002+08:00

I may have never known you, but you feel so close to me. Every single time I feel sad or think about him, you always appear. It just feels so close. Nobody understands this, I'm insane, and I probably don't have the right to even feel sad, but I do.

Its so hard to explain but I really wish you were here. Not by me, but just here with all the rest. Because the stage belongs to you, and there's this guilt eating me up day by day that I stole everything that belonged to you.

I'm glad you feel close. I'm glad I'm like talking to myself every night but thinking you're listening. Maybe you are, but it feels like it. And that's all that matters.

I sincerely hope you're happy.

You'll always remain ideal to me - maybe because of the simple reason that we've never known each other. :)

Thanks for being there.

Because the past matters.

2011-02-24T22:13:00.005+08:00

We used to be the best of friends. I don't know what happened. I've cooled down now and I'm now sober. So whatever I'm gonna say is not due to anger or any other emotions.

I know I haven't been great. But y'know how it affects me when you side others, even if its just a joke to laugh at me. I can't take it. I can't take it especially when its you. I don't know, we're getting more distant. And for a moment today I hated you so hard I wanted to cry. Then on my journey home, I wanted to cry more because either you've changed, or I did. I don't know.

Whatever's between us isn't that simple friendship that was so valuable then. It has all changed. For a moment I regretted going Meridian, going to badminton and going through all the thick and thin. Because all I remember was probably the recent you. The one that blamed me about me being bias. The one that I keep arguing with. The one that no longer treats me as a best friend.

The one that I've lost. The one that can change my mood so easily. You've changed, and maybe you'd say I did too.

And today, suddenly I felt these were all over. All the silent sacrifices I've never mentioned all felt so wasted. Treated so lightly, trampled over. Maybe I didn't mind in the past, maybe I still blame you for me being in Meridian, I don't know. I don't know what's going on okay.

Somehow, the you I know is gone now. And you no longer give me that sense of security that you used to give me. The one that tells me you'd always be there, the one that tells me you're always on my side no matter what, the one I had fun with and probably felt the most comfortable with.

You're just .. gone.

I wish I'll find you again.

15 things.

2011-02-24T20:19:00.002+08:00

I make lousy decisions.
I should stop feeling guilty about not treating others right. Because sometimes I don't feel treated right either.
I wanna cry.
I regret all decisions I've made in this year.
I'm getting emotional.
Public crying is embarrassing.
I've nobody to fall back on anymore.
Fuck myself.
I always screw up.
I wanna cry real badly now.
I should give up my life and let someone else have it.
I can't cherish.
I'm always unsatisfied.
Kill me please.
I've fucking damn bloody low self-esteem and need to be constantly reminded how I even made a difference at times.

Surge of anger and frustration

2011-02-23T21:21:00.001+08:00

Today I was at Eggcite! at MJC's Science Fiesta. This was the Eggcite! team that I was with today. Overall our class did quite well and our darling little egg did not crack. Never thought it would be successful but oh well we're a mugger class aren't we? :)

Can't really say it was enjoyable today but somehow when I was like boiling mad today Dora kinda gave me a pat on the shoulder and I guess it comforted me quite a bit then somehow. I guess its cause I never expected him to be nice. But nonetheless it was a matter of seconds and he was back to his usual self. Teh was trying to comfort me as well but I guess we were all on the same boat so we were basically feeling the same kinda fucked up feeling. :/

Not that I'm already okay now, I ranted to Kaiting when I reached home because I was still like darn mad but just not that bad. I've like decided to forget this incident and let it all pass.

I really can't stand it. Its not like I don't wanna give them a chance, its not that I wanna exclude myself and its not that I'm doing all of this on purpose. I'm gonna tolerate all these shit and let everything rewind and take place again. If this shit happens again, I swear I'm not gonna be nice anymore.

Somehow I'm so glad for having sisterhood to back me up when shit like this happens.

Urgh really hate this shit.

Satisfactory lifestyle

2011-02-22T22:34:00.006+08:00

Hahahaha omg I still can't believe Dora really thought that I believed he likes me. To think he's from a mixed school and to trust him to only think that it was a joke.

Fuck and he try to tell me he doesn't like me (i can totally imagine his damn awkward face already i tell you) and i'm laughing away just looking at the message and facepalming. -,-

REALLY BTH.

Anyway I think our sisterhood damn awesome now cause we always like joke around and slack and make time in lectures and tutorials pass so quickly. Sadly, breaks also pass as quickly lor damn sad only :'( Gossiping sessions are like so RAHRAH cause we all have common sentiments. ^^ (as in the girls LOL)

I'm glad I've a bunch of jokers to spend most of my time in jc with. Oh well, satisfaction!

REALLY HAPPY THAT EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE WORKING OUT BETWEEN US NAO Q. :) I hope this situation's gonna last long. ^^ Nothing makes me happier than this.

XOXO! (L)

CYST! :(

2011-02-21T22:32:00.003+08:00

I damn sad only I tell you. :(

Finally seen the doctor and I've one week PE MC that'll end this week. Hopefully the cyst will die out by then. ^^ Heh heh. Great thing is that I can skip all the physical trainings BUT I'm gonna get fat!

Well there're always two sides to a coin. :(

There were like many mad people begging me to infect them with my cyst so that they don't have to run too, hahaha damn funny. ^^

Can't wait for Homecoming and go back to Xinmin already! I knew I was going to miss that school. :((

Some decisions are so hard to make, because no matter what you choose you can't have a happy ending.

Settling down.

2011-02-20T12:50:00.003+08:00

Finally settled down in Meridian after thinking for ages that I would never get used to the place and I'll just be a loner for the rest of my life. I'm glad to have my Sisterhood friends now because even if we aren't those close to the max friends, I can say they make me laugh and forget things that I don't want to remember anyway.

I've thought about things now, and all I can say is that I'm satisfied with my life now and I'm glad my best friend's still in the same school as me.

I guess I've to be contented with what I have, or I'll never be happy.

Peace out. :)

From friends to foes.

2011-01-21T21:06:00.002+08:00

I don't know what happened along the way, but you're just pissing me off bit by bit and I'm really really annoyed by you now. I mean, I've never thought of you this way, or maybe it didn't last long. But now, its really pissing me off and it doesn't go away like it usually does.

I'm not gonna criticize much since I'm not really perfect, but I hope you'd be a little less self-centered and know that there're many more people living in this world, and you can't always have things your way. Sometimes, give in a little, and maybe, don't be who you criticize others to be. I just hope you'll be true to yourself and be who you really are, because that mask you're putting on to make everybody think you're awesome is fading off as time goes by.

2011.

2011-01-03T19:05:00.002+08:00

I've so much to say but I think I'm giving up on blogging. I won't delete this blog, but I'll just give it up. There's no point saying so much, knowing that its not gonna change anything.

Happy new year.

Ps/ Yeah I'll try to be less of an annoying burden.

Vietnam - Hanoi.

2010-12-12T18:19:00.002+08:00

1st day at Hanoi and I already want to go back to Singapore. Nobody here even smiles back at you, and nobody understands what the shit you're saying. Walking the whole day through dangerous streets with no traffic lights and crossing roads like betting your life to get to the other side is not cool at all. Pushy people that scam our money are even more horrible. ): Long sleeves and jeans in the hot and humid weather practically kills. I feel damn whiney but its true. I'm not even whining about how dirty this whole place is and how it stinks already with all the noise.

I just suddenly thought of my life back in Singapore. Though its not good either, but at least I've friends to fall back on. Now, I can't even fall back on anybody. I can't help remembering how my taiwan trip was different. The trip was awesome, but I never enjoyed it, only looking forward to every night on the laptop with somebody that has now left.

I feel like killing myself.
I feel like crying.
But I can't, I've to hold back my tears now so that I'll appear stronger and make myself even more miserable inside.

I've to be someone I used to be. Cheerful and bubbly.
But now I've to fake it instead of express it.

Tell me,
where's the joy?
The rainbow after the rain? The thunderstorm?

:'( :'( :'(

Airport.

2010-12-11T17:38:00.002+08:00

At the ariport now.
Though I'm not exactly leaving everything behind and not coming back ever again, it just feels like it. Half of me wants to start a new life, while the other half really wants to come back. Mixed feelings, I don't know what to say.

On a lighter note, can't wait for shopping and to go for training when I come back cause I get to see Charlotte to get my polaroid! :D Actually more excited about the polaroid. :P
Oh, and our subway date! c: Darn, I suddenly miss Charlotte alot. ): I think she's the only one that alwaya make me feel like I'm at home and safe because she'll be protecting me from everything else so I won't get hurt.

Even if I do, she'll be there for me no matter what. (L)
And I really mean no matter what.
Hi baby, I love you. :D HEH HEH.
Better be touched if you ever see this and stop flrting with duck!!

I jealous. :'(

Now that its over.

2010-12-09T16:47:00.002+08:00

I don't know what to say, but I'm glad we can still be best friends.

Please be happy with your life, you know that you can make it worthwhile. ;)

Grumpywhiney. ):

2010-12-01T22:14:00.001+08:00

Prom's over, picnic's over, jobless.

Pictures @ facebook.

I feel so grumpy all the time, its like I'm crying everyday.

It feels like I need to get out and away.

Jobless. ):

2010-11-24T09:23:00.002+08:00

Conrad doesn't hire 16-year-olds. I can't believe we just bought new shoes just for that work and we didn't even get to wear it for even like, one hour or smth. ): My 22bucks just fly awayyy.
I need a jobbb. D: I like the fun of it more than the money itself! Just thinking of working makes me exciteddd. :x

Idk why but I'm not exactly excited for prom though I'm curious who'll be the prom king & queen. :) I'll just be hoping I won't trip and fall or smth and at least look presentable laterxsz. Hopefully. :x

Recently, I've learnt that if you keep hanging on to something that doesn't belong to you, it only makes your life much much more miserable. Now that I've let go, it's like a burden off my shoulders though with reluctance somehow. I guess I should be satisfied now. :)

Conrad Centennial Singapore Hotel

2010-11-22T10:18:00.002+08:00

Just went to work at Conrad yesterday. Most of the staff were unfriendly to us first timers though there were a few friendly ones thankfully. Majority were from China or something like that, and they all look down on us just because they're more experienced and we're definitely more blur, clumsy and slower to an extent. But I don't think behaving like that is being mature loh. I mean, they're like much older than us, they should be understanding. I'm sure they all had their first time, so they shouldn't be mean. :(

Nonetheless, its because of them that I realised that you don't always get who you get to work with. It really made me appreciate the FEO staff I worked with, and those who were at least treating us like any other staff yesterday and not like some first timer kinda thing. I guess these were like somewhat making me and Joanne feel unwelcome, but I'm glad we went together so we didn't have to experience these things alone. I guess the thing that affected me the most was the heels, darn. My legs almost broke. :'(

Anyway, the main point is, I kept seeing this guy. (who was working in the same job as us) It looked like I've seen him before somewhere, but definitely not with that hairstyle. It was just the face that looked so familiar.

The thing was, I had a dream about this guy, but it wasn't exactly him. It was just the face I presume. In my dream, he was apparently sick, and me and my cousin(idk where she pop out from) were in this room with him and somehow we were supposed to fill a bottle with warm water for him cause I think he was sick or smth. My cousin failed to cap it so I took hers back to fill after realising how little water was inside before capping it myself.

While I was at the sink, the guy suddenly came up behind me (still looking weak and slightly pale) and just held my head against his cheek in what felt like gratitude after asking me if the bottle was for him. My heart melted somehow. In the mirror in front of me, I could see my cousin standing at a side fuming or smth. Cause in my dream, she liked him or something. After he walked away with the bottle, I felt really guilty towards my cousin, cause it was her bottle afterall.

While he was adjusting his clothes at another mirror (idk why he doesn't look sick anymore) I admitted to him that it was my cousin that wanted to fill the bottle for him and all and he should be treating her like how he treated me instead. But what shocked me was - he told me that it was because he felt differently towards me and thus he did that. Idk, but there was this warm fuzzy feeling eating me up from inside.

The scene then changed, now leaving me and Joanne in the room with him, and we realised that at the balcony of his room, we could easily see the place we waited for the free bus ride home. Both me and Joanne were leaning against the ledge of the balcony and whining how convenient it was and how stupid we were and all to go one big round the other day. (which I suppose we were referring to yesterday night) Then he came behind us, held my head and gave me a kiss behind my head before starting to chat with us too. He just made me feel sooooo warm and loved somehow.

I woke up, with the warm fuzzy feeling in my heart until now. It just felt so right, comfortable and all. Its been so long since I could feel like this. It felt like its been so long since I ever felt loved like this. I think I think too much. :/ Reality's always opposite of dreams, its not gonna happen. :( Still, I keep this close to my heart with the scene still vividly playing in my mind.

Far East Organisation.

2010-11-18T23:46:00.003+08:00

First job tomorrow, really can't wait. Feel busy enough organising everything, I think I can be a manager! ;) I'm a happy girl whoo, it really feels different after o's and I'm not that depressed anymore. Nor that sensitive about relationships with people.

Hurray!

Goodnight, off to bed!

$70 here I comeeeeeeeee! :D

Edit/ All in all, after working with FEO, I think it was great working with Minnie, Lumyi, Joo Yau, Neo and Kelvin. I thought it was the best working team ever ;) Tired much though! :D

That pain with burning tears down my cheek.

2010-11-09T15:57:00.002+08:00

I've decided. I officially suck at relationships with people no matter who the other is. I'm giving up on relationships, those that'll come will eventually be here. Those that can't perservere long enough or can't take it won't make it.

I know I sound like a bitch, but even if I'm gonna be lonely the rest of my fucking life, so be it.
All I need is my pillow and bolster to cry on every night.

There lies destiny.

2010-11-08T19:09:00.003+08:00

Fever reaching 39 degress celcius but so proud of myself for still taking O's. :D I love healthcare! (L) I think I'm gonna have diarrhea and the headache kills. :( Human geog tmrw, last memorising paper! So darn happy.

I don't know if I'll ever have the strong tools needed to open the lock, but I'll try. And everything will be clear after O's, whether yes or no. :)

Sorry jie jie.
I love you mei mei.
I love you darling.
/kisses.

I think I'll make a good parent! :o

Lotte, 我不想去 MJC cause damn far and my badminton sucks kthxbai. Oh and we machiam talk like 4hours today. :x Hahahaha. Slackers club. :/

RONNIEPOO.

2010-11-05T15:45:00.001+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RONNIEPOO! :D

I hope we'll be great siblings! :)

xoxo,

2010-11-04T16:45:00.005+08:00

I'M GONNA MAKE IT THROUGH EVERY SHIT IN LIFE.

/grins.

BROMANCE.

"I stay at home cook rice."

Lol, Nigahiga's good.

Tears roll down my face,

2010-10-29T23:00:00.003+08:00

I can't explain why I always get this fucked up feeling. I think I'm so pessimistic about math that I screwed up. Now that I'm starting to be pessimistic about myself, I don't know what'll happen! :o Shitballxsz123.

Maybe I'm too desperate to be wanted, to be loved, and to be sweet-talked to. Darn. I watch too many shows. I can't stand losing people close to me and see how they fade away. I've lost a handful on this little short journey of life and I don't wanna lose another for the rest of this journey. :(

Why can't people see how I want to hold on to our relationships?? Ive tried, and I know I won't be the best. But give a chance? Live, and let live.

I think I don't know what I'm saying. I just feel thrown away. I don't know how else can I try anymore. I don't know how to keep people close to me. I think I'm too sensitive, paranoid, and jealous.

DARN.

Pretending love.

2010-10-27T21:33:00.003+08:00

I seriously need to go and keel myself. Like right now.
It feels like nothing matters now.
Everything's just screwed up.

Maybe something like life exchange should occur.

Raindrops on my window.

2010-10-23T16:43:00.002+08:00

I don't believe in wishing, and I don't believe that there's someone out there protecting us all. Because I still cry every night and its like a nightmare every single day.

Is it because I'm not pretty enough?
Is it because I'm not kind enough?
Is it because I can't do things well enough?
Is it because I'm too sensitive?
Is it because I'm so sick of things that keep repeating itself but nothing gets solved?

I hope life is drawn in pencil, because I feel like erasing myself off every page that consists of me right now. Then everything would be okay.

Right? :(

2010-10-22T19:04:00.001+08:00

Its no wonder why I love Pooh right? ;)
I told you promises are meant to be kept! :o

Sushi ftw! <:

2010-10-22T17:43:00.003+08:00

Its amazing how I'm still not panicking and making every minute precious. And I realised that all boys look the same when they play PS2. :o I was proved correct today.

Nonetheless, I LOVE SUSHI! :D

I think I'll never ever get tired of eating it.

Awesome and wholesome.

Fragile.

2010-10-20T13:55:00.002+08:00

If life is so fragile, why am I spending it studying? :(

I just want to be happy, I don't need lots of money. D: All I need is probably just a warm home with a family, though having lots of money might somehow make my life easier.

I think the insecurity of losing someone close chills me to the bones. I don't want to experience something like that. And I hope I won't have to.

Nothing can save me now. :(

2010-10-16T17:57:00.001+08:00

I don't know what's wrong with me. Getting a lil' moodswings recently. Sometimes just the littlest thing pisses me off. :( I think its the PMS working up abit now.

As the O's draw nearer, I'm getting more slack than ever, I don't know why. I get this funny feeling in my stomach which I know is a sign of panic. But fuck, my procrastination is too strong.

I know its my own results. I know I'm screwing myself now. Need to buck up!! :(

Loss.

2010-10-09T19:24:00.004+08:00

When you gain something, you'll lose something.
And vice-versa.

I don't know what I did wrong, but the friendships that I need the most always fail me when I've already tried to make them better.

I can never make things better. :(

Hopefully I'll always have someone to lean on to.

Because the one I've always depended on when I'm at my lowest has already left me, whether one wants to admit it or not.

I can feel it deep down, and I know you can too.

Friendships. D:

2010-10-04T22:05:00.002+08:00

After tuition today, YongGuan enlightened me about all the friendships I thought I'll never have again. I don't know how to feel now. I think about every single person close to me, all those I've been friends with, all my teammates and all my close friends.

And you know what I wanna do right now?

Cry.

Cry really badly.

I really feel like shit.

I miss all my friends. I miss all my teammates, all my close friends, my best friend, my listening ears and really, just all my friends. :(

I just feel like breaking down right now. D:

I miss all my friends. I never wanna lose any of them. :'(

But I know I will.

HOTHOTHOT.

2010-10-02T17:04:00.005+08:00

I kinda miss my (ex?) best friend, though I doubt she'll see this. :o

Sorry hollowhead this one abit can see your pimplexsz. I know you sure will scold me one teeheeho. :) Don't worry Mimo won't see this k!

I miss many of my friends actually. :(

I love the F1 twirly whirly straw D bought, am happily using it and drinking lots of water! :D

YAY.

Glad he's been studying the whole day, very prouddd. :)

(L)

The weather's been hothothot.

So I'm gonna go bathe in some cold water or smth.

Heeheexsz.

And I can't wait to go to school on Monday.

And O's are shockingly near.

I need to start mugging soon. ): Quite proud of myself for finishing a set of Math paper though! :D TEEHEEXSZ. Finally did something after resting for so long ;)

Burden.

2010-09-30T09:47:00.003+08:00

I don't wanna be one no more. I don't want you to waste your time on me.

I've decided, I don't need you to keep those retarded promises for a dumb bread.

I just want you to do well.

This is the last lap, I don't want to regret.

I never want to.

POOHBEAR! :)

2010-09-29T21:31:00.002+08:00

I just think this is damn cute.

The only similarity is, I'm as fat as pooh. ;)

Teeheeheeheexsz.

(I don't know if its an honour or not to look like Pooh though.)

MLIA!

2010-09-29T12:37:00.003+08:00

I just read MLIA and found out that hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear for long words! :D Hahaha its damn funny.

A few I saw today:

Today, I was watching a video of Dane Cook, in which video he called someone snarky. He paused - and follwed it up with : "Yeah, snarky. It's a word, Google it." Of course, I immediately paused the video, went on to Google, and typed in "snarky". The first definition that came up? Urbandictionary.com: "Snarky: A word that should be Googled to find the deifinition as per direction from Dane Cook." I laughed. MLIA.

(Omg I really went to search snarky and they gave me the same definition! :o)

At my work there's a door with a sign on it. The sign says "This is a door. Don't stand in front of the door. You could get hit with the door." I stood in front of the door. I got hit. MLIA.

LOL I laugh like machiam shit. MLIA makes me laugh. :D I can't believe there would even be signs on doors to tell you its a door ;) Heeheexsz.

Sickxsz.

2010-09-28T23:46:00.002+08:00

My parents claim I got sick cause I wasn't sleeping enough. But I think I sleep alot lehxsz. :o Charlotte doesn't believe I wasn't putting on blusher the other day cause my cheeks damn pink. Aww I so proud of myself. :D

Anyway I think the fever killed like ten thousand of my brain cells already, never reach 40degrees I think I damn happy already. :) Had to go see the doctor and waited for like ages and ages. ): They don't care me one lor! :'(

Have mc until Thursday, means I don't need go school already lor, since Friday no school. :/ And I can't even study at home cause I'm easily distracted and sick people sure sleep whole day one. Okay I think my O levels very screwed already.

Ps/ Geokmin, if you ever see this, I'll return you your rexona tmrw! :D

If you see this,

2010-09-26T12:57:00.003+08:00

I just wanna tell you I'm sorry.

I don't want to treat you this way either, but I can't help it.

It hurts me even more to do this.

I just can't and never will be that girl you want me to be.

I'm sorry.

I'm guess I'm just not the one you're looking for.

Happy Anniversary! :D

2010-09-25T23:53:00.004+08:00

Avoid somemore. :(

Happy unofficial ninth month. :)

This day is coming to an end, but I still want to say,

I'd never want this flame to die out and I love you.

(L)

To forgive is divine. :)

2010-09-25T15:40:00.002+08:00

I hate how I’m a terrible friend. But sometimes I really love myself for being a not-that-terrible girlfriend. At least I felt I wasn't. :) Well, that’s just my take.

When I hear someone else complaining about their significant other, I feel quite comforted about how I’m not really that petty and all. But I must admit that I’m just like any other typical girl, yearning for affection and attention.

I don’t like how I can’t cheer people up but how I laugh so easily and fail to stay angry at someone. I’ll always end up feeling guilty or I’ll just put everything behind me because it isn’t a grudge I want to keep. Hating someone is tiring. But I do admit I always gossip and end up hurting many people, but sometimes I just can’t help it, cause I don’t think before I talk :x And I guess most girls do that.

I hope I’ll kick that bad habit away.

To those I’ve hurt/critisized/been mean to, this is my sincere apology to you. I’m sorry. I hope we can all graduate as a happy cohort. :D

Graduation Ceremonyyy! :D

2010-09-24T18:36:00.009+08:00

Bumblebee. (L)

(Y)!
Branzann the six pointer. :(
Chaowang.
Rachel.
Jerome.
Andrew the 小爸爸.
Alexa.
Jolin.
Popo.
Benjamin Ong drew this in like 5 minutes. :o
Pinna.
Jaime the epic tall and always sehhh me.
Scholars.
Liyi the forever unglam girl with the contagious laughter and epic jokes. Suan-ing partner ftw.
Lynette, Charlotte. (both trying to be tall.)
SengPeiWenxsz.
Seeingthingz.
Joanne.
Team Synergy.
The damn fail pair aka my army.
The make-me-jealous guozhe and chunghungz.
Twins.
Twinbrain. :B
Mr Pah and my tablemates.
Charlotte Lim the hollowhead and obscene girl. (L)
Tablemates ftw.
Eyelash and unglam girl.
Tablemateees.
Bloop. Poop. Quack.

Oink. Meow. Moo.

Yay I love taking many peektures! :D

Can't upload all cause very lazy so just picked a few epic ones and those I don't look so unglam in. And also those people that I took many pictures with then I can choose choose abit. :)

Heeheehee.

I think I am a very happy girl nao.

It doesn't even feel like O levels at all. ;)

I AM A GENERAL HAHAHA.

Be afraid!

I think I'll miss the people in this school and all the entertainment I ever had. I don't think I'll forget those that ever made a difference. I think I'll cry. I hope we won't ever lose contact. :)

(L) Love yall! :D

O levels! :(

2010-09-22T17:40:00.002+08:00

I need to stop blogging and using facebook already. I've got nobody to stalk already since everybody mugging. Not coolxsz at all. :(

I need to go bathe and lie on my comfortable bed. :)

I wish you'll see the big picture and realise that without me, nothing much would change for you anyway.

Procrastination kills. D:

2010-09-19T13:22:00.002+08:00

Somebody please please please jio me out to study every single day excluding sundays. Please please please.

Motivate me to study. :( I see everybody so chiong but I'm not panicking. D: This sucks. Please make me study. Go library whoo I don't care. I just wanna have the study moooood. D:

Jio me jio me jio meeeee!! ^^

Hidden agenda.

2010-09-18T16:53:00.002+08:00

OINKMEOWMOO.
OINKMEOWMOO.
OINKMEOWMOO.
OINKMEOWMOO.
OINKMEOWMOO.
YAY! :D
I LOVE MY FAVOURITE WORDS.
Blooppoopquack can go die. (hah@geokmin)

I'll change.
I'll grow skinnier(fat hope) and learn to listen like a dog(woof!).

I'm freaking one week behind my study plan and still slacking omfg!! :(

Heartwarming. ;)

2010-09-14T16:59:00.001+08:00

I love morning text messages and good mornings. It feels like as though someone has already waken up earlier than you and is all out to brighten your day. :)

Anyway Charlotte, I really love the necklace a hell lot. ^^ Though it isn't really all that expensive, (and bought with a voucher) but the joy and surprise to receive it is priceless. (and you could have spent the voucher on smth else.) Normally I'll say, "hey i like this!" and start dancing with it, holding it in my hand again and again hoping its mine before walking away without buying it. But nobody would ever get back to buy that little smth for me. Ever. I love surprise gifts. (L) First time to get oneee. :D And it was so bloody unexpected, you're damn good at keeping secrets, yay! Love you! :D

I love the ukulele boy. Yay. He lightens my mood everytime 'somebody' decides to come along to ruin my day. Sweet/gay text messages makes me high too. Hahaha. Like husky's style. (hints.)

Whee I'm a happy girl (though super tired&sticky) because my Geog improved from a D7 to B4. Though most people improved, but aiyah! ^^ Happy can alr. Heeheexsz.

Off to batheee!

Split personalities.

2010-09-12T21:41:00.002+08:00

I did a lil' studying today though I skipped a tuition :P But I didn't really the treatment I was promised at the end of the day. :/

Gah, my tongue keeps having this bitter taste no matter what I eat/drink. :( I've already stopped medications!! D: NOT HAPPY.

I need to know you'll always be there.
I need motivations.
I need to lose weight.
Shitxsz. :(

Stomach Flu! D:

2010-09-11T22:05:00.002+08:00

The doctor say stomach flu and food poisoning the sameeee. Idk why I always kana this kind of shit. I tell him I vomit 5 times, expecting to give me the "woah" expression but he just wrote it down. :/ I thought I could shock people lah sian. :(

My bones hurt, I vomit, diarrheoa and fever, then they just anyhow anyhow and charge me $47!! D: The medicine taste like dilute juicyfruit somemore.

Now I've to stay in bed for a couple of days with horrible medicines and ruin my already screwed study plan. Sigh. :(

Ps/ Sorry daddy, that I ruined your birthday celebration thatt was supposed to take place. I love you, though you'll never see this. :( Very sorryyy.

Massive self discipline!! :(

2010-09-10T21:49:00.000+08:00

Needs self discipline to mug.
Please tell me if timetable's as per normal when school reopens? I don't like 4o'clock days. :(
I hope the study break will be longer for us, I think I need a month or more! A week's too pathetic, seriously. D:

Ps/ You're now my motivation to mug, cause you're plain awesome. (Y)

Smartypants :D

2010-09-09T17:37:00.001+08:00

Yes, I’ve finally figured out that to blog, I’ve to type on microsoft word first and change all the colours I want or even highlight the words. J Then I’ll just paste in blogger and all the things will appear as I want it, except that the codings are really really complicated but who cares right! :D HEEHEE.

Now I just changed blogskin and I very happy girl now after spending hours editing alot of shit and finding stuffs hahahah.

Yes yes I think you can tell I happy right. J

Highlighting with yellow is so coolz. :D

hyped up!

2010-09-09T14:50:00.006+08:00

MY BLOG CANNOT HAVE COLOURS ANYMORE AFTER I CHANGE LAPTOP I DONT KNOW WHY BUT I DAMN SAD ALREADY LAH.

I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS.

But I love pooh and I love you. :D

(it just rhymes.)

Oh, and I need to start mugging.

Like now.

immensity.

2010-09-03T22:22:00.004+08:00

I can't help this.

You're killing me on the inside.

It all still feels like yesterday that you gave up everything for me.

Please stop making me feel like everything was just a lie,

because it was all so beautiful. ;)

the sun never rises from the west.

2010-08-31T13:04:00.003+08:00

I can't believe my life turned out this way anyway.

Just leave if you want to.

Leave, like how everybody did.

Because even if you came back you won't be the same anymore.

You know it wouldn't, and you're just proving it to me now.

treats! ^^v

2010-08-28T16:32:00.003+08:00

Today's chinese was okay cause at least I can read more words than the previous exam o: And I can finally finish without chionging my summary! :) I still got alot free time. :D Anyway I realised everybody thinks I'm from express chinese loh. I think my chinese really cui. :( The two chinese language basic today machiam kana suan ttm damn funny lah. ^^

I like the book 'Keeping Faith' lah wahlao. :( Nah charlotte I not blaming you, I'm just whining. :D

Hello desperate, if you're ever reading this, please remember you owe me a new york new york treat whereby I can order as much food as I want. In addition, you also owe me a bag that can be as expensive as I want it to be as long as I can 2As for my prelim!! ^^v ! This bet cannot back out one sorry. :) But rest assured I doubt I'll get 2As, but at least its worth hoping for!! :D heeheez.

Ps/ I think my SNK level still damn high loh! And you ARE shy, just acting like you're not niaz. ^^

cute ^^v

2010-08-27T22:10:00.002+08:00

Hahaha omg my brother's girlfriend damn cute ^^v ! It feels as though I've got a sister-in-law already teeheeho. :)
My parents go fetch my brother from school (with me in the car too), then we wait damn long until I want to slap him already. When he finally emerge I go ask him who he study with. Immediately can tell he quite guilty. Then I jitao see the girlfriend walk out with the super duper guilty face and I can't help but keep laughing.

Then she smile at me until my parents abit suspect then my brother say cause my friend know her so she was smiling at me and not him. Zzz, totally epic and fail. Though he did admit they know each other hahaha. :D

After that, we were talking about her inthe car the cannot say her or not parents sure will kaypoh or suspect so become him. Then cannot help it keep will say 'she' or 'her' then will gg. :D
Now my brother ask me to tell her he loves her but cannot say loud so he say 'tell her i'm gay!' LOL damn epic. I realised my brother's not bad a boyfriend! Tsk, totally got my genes one lor. ^^v ! :D

Lucky I got unlimited sms and my brother doesn't, or not I won't be having so much fun. :)

cause i'm always here for you.

2010-08-27T17:41:00.001+08:00

and you aren't.

Because I'll do anything to change to suit you so much so I'm starting to feel like a dog. I will stop this asap, don't you worry.

我相信雨后一定会有晴天，会有五颜六色的彩虹。

kites.

2010-08-26T22:04:00.004+08:00

Life's like a kite.
To let a kite fly higher, you've to know when to pull, and when to let go.

Pulling it when its time to let go won't make it any higher.

Its just like holding on to something that has changed or left, you know you should let go. Because holding on to it doesn't make you happier. Its letting go that's hard. But once you do, maybe you'll find happiness. :)

I hope you'll get it someday, even if you dont now. And I know you wont ever believe if I told you that your existence in this complication affects my decisions though it never should. :/

^^
At least I found someone that knows me well. 因为在这个世界里，很难找到知心的朋友。有些人可能一生都不会找到。I feel fortunate I guess. :)

ulcers! o:

2010-08-26T18:48:00.002+08:00

I used to hate ulcers. In fact, I still do.
The difference is I never dared to put salt on it, EVER. I remember I used to cry when salt was put on my ulcer when I was much younger. I would probably cry until my face turns red with all my tears dripping like it was free.

Yesterday, I finally mustered the courage to put salt on my ulcer. I didn't cry. In fact, the acute pain made me feel damn shiok. My mother says I've symptoms of self abuse. :) I think she doesn't understand.

Today, I put salt on my ulcer again. But today, it started bleeding really hard. Looking at the blood soak all the salt, I felt accomplished and happy despite it hurting very very badly.

I can't wait to put salt on my ulcer again. :) Even my brother says the pain damn shiok.
Hahaha, no wonder we're siblings! :D

Suddenly, I feel like I damn pervertic teehee. And disgusting/sadist/emo. But I'm not. ^^ I think putting salt on my ulcer is like a new hobby hahahahaha.
But it still hurts. :(

Nonetheless, at least I finally have smth in common with my brother! (Y) Yayness.

true love never dies.

2010-08-26T14:19:00.006+08:00

When someone matters to you, you'll realise that the memories you have together never fail to make you smile to yourself, no matter where you are.

True love doesn't die. (L)

If it dies/fades, then it isn't the love you're looking for. :)

I just don't know how to feel, because you're the only one that is able to make me laugh so hard and cry so hard. I feel like I'm in a puzzle/maze that I keep making U-turns no matter how many times I tell myself never to look back again and that it would be the last straw.

I wish you're always here to eat up my tears everytime I cry. (Y) :)

mood swings.

2010-08-25T22:16:00.002+08:00

Today's supposed to be the most joyous day of the month.

Yet all I want to do is cry. :(

I realised I have severe mood swings because life doesn't go the way I want it to. It never does. I think I'm getting too sensitive nowadays. D:

laughing tears.

2010-08-25T19:20:00.002+08:00

I feel like a fool now crying and laughing at the same time. My face wants to laugh so badly but my heart wants to cry fiercely. So I'm laughing with tears. :D I look at myself in the mirror and I look like a retard. ^^

Its only days like this that I realise how lonely and pathetic I've become.

Happy 8th. :)

up and down, smiles and tears.

2010-08-24T19:28:00.005+08:00

Omg hahaha its been so long I even typed on the computer. Amazingly I haven't lost my typing skills teeheeho. And finally I can type with colours like orange! :D YIPEE.

At least I won't get disconnected when I typed a whole chunk and retype it causing me to lose my sleep. :(

Anyway my main point is I very happy so far for my history ss geog and bio because I anyhow skim through only and I can do the paper! :D Although not really, but at least can do very happy already okay. But I think I'll screw Chem and A.math tmrw cause I really damn slack hahahaha. ^^

Anyway I must aim for more As so that I can get the $80 bag I want lah. :( Make me sad only. I hope my eyebags and dark eye circles will disappear after prelims! :D

Point is, I need to start mugging harder.

AND BEST FRIEND I LOVE YOU LAH HAPPY! You everyday Mimo one lor still always demand for my love. :( Wahlao I not your substitute/靠山 okay!! :@ Anyway I think you really will become lesbian hahahaha! :o Sorry I not purposely wanna expose you one teeheehaeho. :D

Ps/ I wonder if tomorrow will be anything different from any other day of a month, though to be it always is. :)

W: I know how it feels like to be you, but somehow, I wish I ain't stuck in this thing together with you, because you're my friend, and I don't like how everything hurts you all over again like how it did to me. But I've to tell you this; you shouldn't think about replacing anyone, or being important in any way. Really, because I've tried, and it made me really miserable. Its like clinging on to something that has left. I just don't want our friendship to be like this. I want it to be like it the past, and not him that connects us together. I don't want to feel like I'm your rival, nor do I want to feel as if I'm always constantly hurting you someway or another, okay? When you're happy, make sure the joy's from within. Take time, because you know you're strong, at least stronger than me. Alright? I know I've no rights to tell you anything because I took the same path, but even my situation with him somewhat brings me through life to strive for things I've never even tried. Like getting good results. At least I study more than before now. Even a little bit's good. And I'm glad you're getting through life well, cause I'll be here if you need me. :)

cause you're hot and you're cold.

2010-08-23T20:22:00.004+08:00

The fact that you've such a weird personality, you make my heart lose directions. You hurt me so deep, yet make me love you so deep too. I think I hate myself for that. :(
But its still a natural instinct to give up everything to make you happy, at least with me.

Thank you for everything today. I still prefer the small and cute little version that I can play with than the huge one that you like to force me with. :D Teeheeho. (L)

Ps/ I still own at air hockey and Graffiti ball game. You lousy lah. :) I totally own, thank you thank you.
Pps/ I think someone will miss me while reading this post cause its the 111st post! :D And I keep seeing the time 11.11 and 1.11. I'm sure alot people miss me one loh hahahaha. Yay! (Y) :D

Hollowhead, Cheer up. I know we became very distant, so how I used to make you laugh doesn't work anymore. Its as though I dont understand/know you well anymore, but I still want you to be the happy go lucky girl I used to know though we might have became strangers, k? Pinky promiseee. :)
You're still the one that knows/understands me best loh hahahaha. (Y)! :D And don't slack during these free days when people are chionging k! Mug harddd!! :P

hot like fire.

2010-08-21T18:35:00.002+08:00

Omgomgomgomgomg.
You wouldn't believe what happened! O:

I switched on the hair dryer that failed to work despite me refixing it over and over. My mother fixed it and it worked. So I sat down happily to blow my hair before it suddenly stopped working again. While sitting down, I used my leg to like push the wire left and right and it came on again. Happily, I continued using the hairdryer.
Suddenly, the wire near the socket started to have bright sparks shooting (and I mean shooting) out of it while I was still happily blowing my hair. Instead of shooting sparks, it started shooting fire and by then it has obviously already caught my attention. I immendiately switched off the hairdryer, flung it on the table and shot out of my chair. I was like jumping like some freak outside the room I was drying my hair in before my parents came to my rescue and swtched off the switch for me with a cloth/wood. :) Because the fire stopped that is. :D

Hahahaha. Omg like damn cool and we're gonna go get a new hairdryer nao! (Y)
(I think I can still feel the electricity at my feet.) :D

dream or not? :)

2010-08-19T17:47:00.002+08:00

I'm sure you don't realise this, but when somebody treats me very nice (espC&D), I'll be silently pinching myself to see if I'm dreaming. Because dreams really feel like reality. And I couldn't believe oral was managable. :) I really don't want to wake up and realise oral isn't over. And it feels so scary that prelims started because I thought I still had a month before it started. I hope my English will be okay though it felt a little screwed.

Anyway, thanks for standing up for me yesterday, although I shouldn't have shared such a sensitive topic that, like you said, no girl would talk about. I was, unsurprisingly, trembling. It felt as if I couldn't feel my hands that I've to constantly move it. But to see you put in much effort (even though you doubted me a lot somehow), I told myself you were doing this for me. First time see you so man lah seriously. :) I can't match you with the guy that didn't even dare to ask for curry sauce in Macs. Hahaha. Nonetheless, thank you. You make me feel much better to see how things aren't that bad anymore. You make me believe that perseverence is the key to cherishing second chances. :D

C, you've to be strong because you've always been here for me for me but I can't do anything for you but wish you'll be happy. I miss the old you, how you're so happy all the time despite all the setbacks in life. :) You're really strong, ten times or a hundred times stronger than me. I'll be here whenever you need someone to talk to, but if you prefer to talk to someone else, its okay too. So long you feel better alright? I really wish I can do something for you, really. And don't worry about your oral lah, you'll definitely be okay. :D Trust me. And you should start giving up on Mimo alreadyyy!! Teeheeho.

unknown mysteries.

2010-08-17T20:54:00.002+08:00

I don't like how I keep receiving missed calls all the time when I didn't realise my phone rang. And that thing is, I can't see who called and I can't call back. People always say that if its something important, the person will call back. But what if they don't? (they usually don't) Or if they do and I miss it again? I won't even know if its two separate persons.
And then again, I got unknown taggers. Idk what so secretive. If we really don't know each other, I guess its okay. But if we do, and you're shy or for whatever reasons, give me a text or smth. At least I know who's that out there. Plus, I realised there're many stalkers out there and it kinda freaks me out. I don't even understand why people like to read long emo posts when they already know this is my ranting area. Weird generation though. :/

All in all, leave a name if you tag, and leave me a message when I miss your call so that I can get back to you. Kthxbai. (I'm still damn worried for my oral/prelims omfg.)

I wish you'll always be happy because seeing that smile on your face always makes me happy/satisfied for no apparent reason.
And I'll prove you wrong. Just wait and see.

cheap and dirty.

2010-08-17T17:57:00.002+08:00

I don't know why, but I feel like a slut/prostitute/cheap bitch now. I just want to erase everything that happened. I feel so grossed out or this might be some aftermath that I feel like scrubbing my skin till it peels, and peel all my skin off so I'll get new ones. And I hope I can pull out my brain and pick out all those things I don't want to remember and burn them. I wish I could. It haunts me everytime someone mentions something related and it scares me more than cockroaches do.

I just want to prove myself so badly to you. But its getting all one-sided. Maybe you've already lost everything you once had for me, I don't know. I wish I knew what you were thinking. I wish I knew how to please you. I wish I wouldn't be so stupid. I wish I would stop crying and embarrassing myself because it takes so much for me to even start crying.
After walking it the rain, it felt like I was being washed. I never thought it felt so good to be drenched. It felt so cold with the massive wind, yet so comforting. Its as though the sky sympathises me and is expressing my feelings deep down. I think I'm shivering o: I thinkkk. And I'm hungryyy. :(

On a lighter note, I wish oral will be easy tmrw and that prelims won't stress me out. I need to start mugging. I need to act like a nerd.
Nonetheless, Happy Birthday Auntie, though you might not have liked me alot. :) But I think you've been really great to me. My impression of you hasn't changed from the very start. :) I love you! :D (not in that way though.)

timid, pessimistic, insecure, weak.

2010-08-15T22:21:00.002+08:00

All of a sudden, I hate myself so much for eating today. Not because I'm on a diet, but it just doesn't feel right.

Things to note:
1. I can't do tuition math that is supposedly easy.
2. I can't do tuition physics that everybody can.
3. I can't concentrate on studying for prelims.
4. I failed to send Mr Yap off.
5. My parents make me feel like shit at times.
6. My dad has a great sense of humour.
7. I feel like crying when I laugh.
8. I almost broke down today many times.
9. I'm glad I didn't.
10. I feel like vomitting.
11. I look ugly because my face depicts my mood and it sucks that even my face can't lie.
12. My orange shampoo is running out.
13. I believe in karma.
14. I fail to bring joy and fail to hide my misery.
15. I need to stop scolding vulgarities although it can describe my mood best.
16. I need more sleep.
17. I don't have enough time.
18. I think about him all the time.
19. Its all one-sided.
20. I wish, I meant something more.
21. I got dark eye circles that are very super obvious now.
22. Self suicidal is a definite no-no for me.
23. I feel pathetic and really stupid.
24. I hate myself.
25. This is my favourite number and probably the most significant in my life.

I realised that when you die, you don't really die. Instead, you live forever, in people's heart. And in the memories, you're remembered for how perfect you are.
I wish I can be slightly more towards perfect.

Fuck, I feel damn desperate/weak.
I need to stop this.

cold hard truths.

2010-08-15T10:02:00.003+08:00

:'( suddenly everything around me seems so sad. There's no wind, the trees no longer sway, the birds no longer chirp happily, and there're no children playing outside and screaming. Everything's so quiet, its like they're mourning for my loss too. I wish it was a small loss for me too. But its not. :( Even my hair screws up, and then I look at my mirror and feel so ugly. Because somehow, all the colours seem to have left me overnight.
All I'm left with are memories. And they keep stabbing at my heart because it feels like everything just happened yesterday. I know nothing will be the same again. But I'm just clinging on to that very tiny piece of hope.

What if I told you that I am traumatised about something you never knew? I wish you'll heal this. But you left. I don't blame you. Its just that I couldn't bring myself to tell you this, because I know that you'll leave me, because you'll despise me, because, it just brings me closer to being a slut.

Fuck, I hate myself now. I hate how I've to always talk about sensitive topics. How I always make myself so weak and pathetic, yearning for something that doesn't belong to me anymore.
You belong with her. No one can ever replace her, like how no one will replace you. I'm sorry I hurt you again.

I'm sorry, forgive me. I shouldn't. I let you down. I failed. I tried, really. I want to get good grades. Help me get away from this pain, help him move on. Help him get good grades, make him happy. All I need is some courage. Give me some. I don't want to go through all these again. Enlightenment, bravery. Spare me some. :(
I really don't want to screw up.
Again.

forever never.

2010-08-15T00:46:00.002+08:00

Nothing lasts forever. Don't ever promise forever, because there'll always be someone holding on to that word.
I always go to bed hating myself when I make you angry. Your mum tells me you're hot-tempered, but I always try but fail, to erase that side of you.

I really really miss that old you that loves me, that puts me before everything else. But now, nothing that I do affects your heart a slightest bit.

Because.
I'm not the first.
I hurt you too badly.
She's a thousand times better than me and you will never ever get over her.

To you, this is so trival because you've gone through worse. But to me, its my first and its feeling so badly I don't know whether you understand that you're probably the only medicine. And you chose not to cure me. :(

You say I don't understand you at all.
But that's because you never gave me the chance to. You never told me how you felt at all. You didn't want to share.

Now, I suffer from all the memories you've left me with. Somehow, I wish I never returned the ipod/the blue book. I wish the ipod still had the songs I were so familiar with. I wish I still had things to remember you by.
I hope you'll remember me with all the notes you have. :)
I love you.

Ps/ I still regret having so little photos!! :( :( :(
This sucks.
Boo. D:

empty again.

2010-08-11T21:22:00.002+08:00

Ate dinner alone on my huge dining table and it was so quiet. So very quiet it makes me so scared and leaving my heart feeling so lonely and empty, again.
I didn't mean it. I don't want you to be angry. I don't want you to be sad. I don't want you to feel frustrated.

I just want a little mutual trust and understanding. Afterall, you can totally see how much (or some people say stupidly) I am head over heels you.
I wish you'll see that you're the one. And it hasn't changed since the start.

At least for me it hasn't.
Please stop ignoring me, please. :(

weird mood swings.

2010-08-10T14:12:00.004+08:00

Happy belated National Day. :)

I woke up this morning many a times and keep going back to sleep. I ended up only waking up at 12noon. Was actually really happy this morning after a phone call that ended at 10am. I was laughing and all before I went back to sleep.

Woke up at 12 to eat Maggi Mee and cook for my brother too. How sweet right. Then now I use comp then like damn sad already idk why. I've like no mood to mug/do anything else when I'm lagging behind in my study timetable by a hell lot already.

I think its just because I'm jealous that my brother has a girlfriend nao and she's at our house. And suddenly that empty feeling hits me again to remind me once again about the people I've lost this year.

I never got them back no matter how close I almost did. :(

Both of you.

It feels like I've always been self-comforting and telling myself that everything's the same but somehow its never like before.

On a lighter note, my India buddy's gone home.

Mixed emotions now, and really really really tired.

The least painful way to die?

Sleep in the car and never wake up.

*winks. :)

(no worries, the thought of commiting suicide didn't cross my mind) ;)

I still feel guilty for trying to replace you even though it has been about 9months ago when I first did that. I'm glad I somehow never managed to. :)

national day celebrationnn.

2010-08-06T13:34:00.003+08:00

National day celebration actually kinda sucked really. To think its our lasy year in XMS and this is the kind of leaving celebration we got. Just singing two songs whereby its not even the sound from the soundtrack. :/ I think I shouldnt comment on the person who sang the songs.
I thought today was kinda pathetic and actually, I do feel somewhat ruined already. Mr.Pah said we should be celebrating today but yet I'm just sitting in the canteen and not doing much. In fact, I've nothing to do and I'm like sleeping or something. No celebratory mood at all.
Let's just skip the part about the India buddies already. I think I feel grossed out enough.
Now I'm like looking at all the teachers eat duians, mangosteens, longans etc in the canteen. Omfg I feel damn sian and the smell is overwhelmingly disgusting and I feel like vomitting even thought I like every single type of fruit that is sitting on the table. I think my body's just acting up a little bit and I kinda feel really uncomfortable.

There's like nobody in school at all lah damn freaking sian. I feel like going home, but now there's nobody at home and I dont even have my comfortable bed to lie on anymore. At least for now.

Seriously, just fuck everything. Go ahead and tell me how mean I am towards my buddy. Blame me loh, say I'm bad to her. Anything.
I think I'm not affected anymore because I feel like I've done more than just providing her a place to sleep at night and I cant take this shit already.
I hope she goes back before I freak out. Really. I'm gonna screw prelims/o levels. Tell me to tolerate. Yeah, okay, I will. Maybe you'll trust me to sat that, but I don't know if I'll keep my promise.

Fuck off, sluts/bastards. Be gone now.

100th: forgive & forget.

2010-08-01T12:54:00.002+08:00

After reading wanyi's blog post, I feel so inferior for being so immature. I hope life really have alot in store for me! :D
This is my 100th post, so I'll learn this important lesson today - to forgive and forget.

I need to stop clinging on, because those that really matter never really leave. Though I'll never stop wishing people come back, I'll also never stop hoping for them to be happy.
Because sometimes a smile is all it takes to make you feel its all worth it. :)

:DDD yay me yay you yay everything.
Except o levels, prelims and the bicultural omfg. :( i feel damn cheated/scammed by Mr.Singh. I hope my prelims will be okay still, and I'll get good grades! :) wheee.
Next tuesdayyy omfggg!! o:

belief, hope, faith.

2010-08-01T11:11:00.003+08:00

C: I'm just sorry I always screw things up. I know I give up easily and I don't try hard enough. I dont perservere, I'm just not up to the standard, and I,m pessimistic. I know. I just want you to know that you've been a significant piece in my life, and the past 1year plus has been great, all the fun and laughter, its possible because you were there. I know you never felt like I appreciated you and that I didn't do much for you. I'm sorry I failed in that aspect to let you feel how important you were to me. Nonetheless, I'm still glad/comforted somehow that you lead a better life now, and knowing that you've found a better replacement makes the pieces fit even better. Thanks for being there with me thick and thin, I'm sorry I couldnt make the "f" in "bff" forever. I just want you to know that letting you go was a decision I didn't want to make. But I really didn't get to choose. If you read this, I just want to say sorry for making you feel like I took you for granted and how I abandoned you and made you feel like a substitute. I was wrong, but I just hope things are better for you now. Like you said, you felt like I never did anything when my best friend's gone, yet how I cried day and night for him. In fact, it hurt me a hell lot then. And to see you with someone else that could replace me so easily; I didn't know how to feel. It was probably what I would have wanted, but yet it made my heart ache really badly, idk. But it came to a balance when I realised you're treating her like how you treated me. Your life was back to how it was.
I'm sorry I ruined some parts of your life, but I'm glad you made a comeback. I'm telling you all these not because I want you to come back (in fact, i think you shouldn't), or for you to sympathise me or feel anything, but because I don't you to graduate thinking that you were always the "second-class citizen", because to me, you never were. I admit I put him in priority all the time, but you were equally important. You were always there when I needed you, and your every little action/note touched me and never failed to make me feel better. :) He could see me hurt, but you couldn't. And you did everything you could (including cycling to my house just for a note) to make me feel like you're there for me, despite all my attitude towards you. For all the chances you gave me, I can only say that I didn't treasure them.
Thank you for everything, and I miss you more than those you named for me. I'm just glad you gained much more with one insignificant loss. I hope you'll always stay so cheerful and happy-go-lucky, cause it was that about you that has picked me up time and again when I felt like shit. Please continue to be gayyy! :D Most importantly, thanks for being the best friend I could ever ever have, hollowhead. :)

Ps/ I probably have so much to say, but it doesn't matter. The point is, I'm sorry I can't tell you these in person, cause I probably can't face the fact how you've changed towards me, and I think I won't make it through without crying like some dog. So, goodbye best friend, I hope we'll still be friends. :)

where'd the trust go?

2010-07-31T14:45:00.003+08:00

I know by seeing me and him hang out a lil' more makes you feel insecure, cause its like I had it better than you. Well, Im telling you now, I didn't. You had your friends by you when you needed them, and I didn't. At least to me, I didnt feel like I got a permanent one. Plus, now, we're just friends. If you think these are excuses and that everything was a lie, I can't do much.
Y'know, I really thought we were good friends, until I realised how insignificant I was to you before I let you go. You would NEVER tell me your secrets, how you were thinking and what was going on. But I told you everything about me and updated you all the time, didn't I? I know,
I was never a great friend in your eyes. But I really trusted you through it all, and I've never lied to you/tried hiding anything from you.
I wrote so much but everything disappeared, so I guess I'll just tell you this - you can be a great friend if you put your heart into it. I've seen how you do all the little little things just to brighten someone's day.
So continue to bring joy to others, cause its a gift you have that not many have. I wish I could bring joy too, but that isn't the point.
I hope you'll cherish those around you more, cause you know the pain of losing one. And you can stop all the assumptions now, cause Im telling you now that its not true.
Im sorry I made you feel like I stole someone so dear to you, but i've felt this too many times before. Nonetheless, I still owe you an apology though it might not make sense because so many things happened and I no longer keep his heart.

I just hope sometimes you'll believe/trust me like how I did to you, and that I didn't betray you or any of that sort.
I hope you'll be happy and get your life back, cause Im sure you've amazing friends. :)
But, im trying to get my life back too - I guess everything takes time.
Ps/ im always just a text/phone call away if you ever need me. All the best to you in whatever you do. And I really do wish you'll believe in friendships more even if it isnt ours cause I know I havent been a great friend since secondary school started.
:/

joy.

2010-07-26T22:49:00.002+08:00

I typed a whole lot of chunk but everything just disappeareddd. :(
I just wanna tell you that I take everything you said seriously even if you dont mean it. And every night i wait for what I got yesterday until Im convinced that you're asleep and that I wont get what I wanttt. :)

Nonetheless, Im freaking happy and yesterday and today are probably the best days ever for the recent month. :) And I love the way we communicate in school cause its better than nothing. And its not awkward, weird or like avoiding. :D
I dont wanna use this word but Im FUCKING HAPPY today and yesterday. Yay everything!
Although Im tired like crap I still retyped everything cause everything is worth it whooo! (L) Life rocks more nao. :D

Ps/ I feel like a saviour today too! :D

hopelessness.

2010-07-25T22:18:00.000+08:00

I know i screwed up again. Im fully aware how you hate me now. But i just hope that when you see this, you'll trust me once more.
Dont tell me there's no point, dont tell me you dont trust me anymore, dont remind me again how we're over.
I just want you to know I didnt go around to defame you at all. And your friends are still your friends, I didnt steal them. Just so you know.

Once again, im sorry i screwed up your life again when I hoped that you could be happy today. I just want us to at least be friends and things not to be awkward between us. If telling everybody how im a slut/fake/bitch makes you happier, I REALLY dont mind. This I can swear to you.
From the bottom of my heart, I want you to get your life back and mug well.

Go ahead and hate me if it makes you feel better. I'll leave you alone like how you want me to, cause I know the sight of me/my name irks you a hell lot.
Just promise me to be happy like how you told me you were. And dont break it.

Ps/ I wish someday you wouldn't accuse me and listen to what I have to say. I've so much to tell you. :(

everlasting memories.

2010-07-25T15:47:00.001+08:00

I feel so stupid every sunday because I take the effort to walk past kfc all the time and scan the whole place just hoping i'll see you there doing your work. And see your face light up when you see me, and see how you've written a random note for me sometimes.
I miss seeing your pink foolscap and complaining how ugly i think your handwriting is, before writing you a note to make you happier while showing off my handwriting to you at the same time hahahaha. :D
I miss whining cause i wanna eat cheese fries while im already very fat, and how you just take out the money to let me buy the cheese fries while complaining how broke you are. I miss how you force me to buy a meal for you cause you were like damn scared, then i just kope your fries like free for service charge. Then you'll give me that face when there're only left a few, heh heh :D But nonetheless, you'll always give me the best/last ones to make me happy/fat. Then i'll probably reject you and you'll give me the damn sad face again and say "wahlao you reject me" and pout, before stuffing the food into your mouth.
But you never realise that I rejected you so many times because i wanted you to have the best for yourself, and seeing you pout makes me feel that you're like freaking cute and my so-called sacrifice was worth it. Hahahaha.

You also told me you didnt dare to break up with me on april fools' day cause you were afraid it will come true. At that time, i really felt you were gonna be there forever until i broke up with you.
Turned out to be the opposite, but I guess my heart's still waiting for some miracle somehow.
But well, life was that great. :)

I still smile when i think of us. But now that we're over, i just hope that what you take away arent the painful ones but the beautiful ones. :( im sorry.

seventh month.

2010-07-25T11:48:00.002+08:00

Today was supposedly a happy day for me. To say that im not affected by the date would definitely be a lie. To say that im not sad would be another. Lastly, to say that i didnt cry and my heart didnt feel a thousand stabs would be a freaking big fat lie. (like how you called me a big fat liar, well, i probably am.)
Nonetheless, im still alive and kicking. And waking up every morning with you being the first thought like how it has been for the past seven months hurts too. I know i should have gotten over this. But i've got to be stronger i guess. Though i've lost all the friends i used to have, i probably gained a few texting buddies. :) Blogging and facebooking never fails to say what i really feel deep down; something that might be deepest secret.
Though everybody will see this, but to me, only i am seeing this. And whoever does see this is entitled to, because for whatever reason you come here for (to laugh, to pity or to show some concern) i'll update you no matter what.
No matter who asks me about anything, i'll tell. Because to me, nobody holds a higher rank anymore. Everybody that did left. Whatever the reason is, if you care enough to ask, i care enough to tell.

I've a hunch today wont be a great day, but im sure i'll make it through. All my relatives are going back to their own countries today and i've tuition. Best of all, i need to start mugging.

I admired our homecoming picture today, i just wished i looked prettier then. I wished i smiled as happily as you did. Cause all i want to do now is cry.
But, i hope you're still smiling like how you did in the picture, cause to me, you've always been smiling even without me. To tell you the truth, i couldnt wait for the day we could stay under the same roof then. I already had it all planned in my mind how my life would be.
But now, I just really wish i'll see that macdonalds laugh of yours more often. I wish i'll stop hurting so badly. I wish it was really seventh month for us.

Claudia, im still waiting. :(

:)

2010-07-24T10:18:00.005+08:00

I need more smiles in place of tears.

life failed.

2010-07-24T10:18:00.004+08:00

night to day was supposedly a success and im glad it made me realise things more now.
I shouldnt hold on to things that arent mine, and yesterday, i realised that nothing in xinmin belonged to me.

Even the people inside didnt. None did.
I think that i most probably wont be going for grad night.
I doubt people would realise that i exist anyway.

Feeling really insignificant and emotional now. :(
I feel like shit for not being able to be strong and insensitive.

Nonetheless, im glad i didnt feel hated yesterday. Its just that i felt that i didnt exist, that's all. Maybe thats a good news.

You said you were guilty for not being there when im so sad. Now im still fucking sad and i need you a hell lot. But you've others now. I see how they've so successfully replaced me in your heart. I know this is my retribution, i wont complain much. Im just glad you're happy with them, cause they can give you the joy that i cant now. Because i need so much of joy now too.

n2dII.

2010-07-23T06:08:00.002+08:00

night to day today. Got so many things to bring to school.
I realised sleeping takes away the pain. But first you've to get yourself to sleep. And waking up is easy. Cause once you wake up a little though still feeling tired, the pain hits you and you cant sleep. So you get up. :)

I've got weird sleeping times nao.
Anyway, hope today will be fun. But i doubt running when im sick is fun. I hope my daddy/mummy wont realise that im running 5km. I hope i wont come home getting more sick. Oops.

And my study timetable is screwed, i barely followed it.
Thus, you can say my prelims are screwed.

But im proud of myself of restraining not to text/call him for a day yesterdayyyy!! :D must.continueee.

ronniethcow!

2010-07-22T23:17:00.002+08:00

Hahahaha i cant believe this. :D
I was sleeping this evening to help me stop thinking so much and apparently supposed to have my dinner on my own or with my brother. Amazingly today he contacted me for dinner but my phone was charging and i was sleeping. He called my phone for 6 times and rhe house phone also. But apparently i was so tired i didnt hear anything.
After eating with his friend, he was going to go to the reading room but decided to come home to check on me first cause he thought i killed myself hahahahahaha.
Omg lah, then he shook me. I didnt respond. He shook me again before i made some noise and moved my arm. He immediately went out and told his friend i was alive. -.- hahahaha i cant believe this. :)

Apparently his friend told him that he had a friend was listening to music and doing his hmwk before the dad had a heart attack in the other room and died. The mum, who was out at first, came home and realised it. The boy didnt know till then, and has ever since regretted how he never checked on his dad.

So my brother checked on me.

I still remember how i almost died when i was born. My dad saved me with a $1,777 injection that expanded my underdeveloped lungs then. About $10,000 was spent on my incubation too. I guess i was an expensive kid. :) oh, and the money then had a larger value.

I know i've had it all in my life and how i always escape every accident with a close shave.
Today, geokmin asked me what if she was the one in the car that the tree fell on(in the newspaper) and asked if we would cry for her if she died.

She didnt know i had the same question in my mind everyday.
She didnt know how much i needed someone to tell me that I am making a huge difference in their lives.
she didnt know how much i needed someone to tell me that i mean something to them.
She didnt know how insignificant i feel everyday of my life.
She didnt know, how alone i am now.

Nobody really understands how it feels to have your life flipped and realise that you're facing this world alone.
Its so hard sometimes.
The worst thing is, im supposed to be studying. Yet nothing gets in.
And im so tired i cant sleep, so hungry i cant eat, and i feel so sick that i think im not making sense.

AWESOMEEE!! Idk what im talking about. :D

brainwashing.

2010-07-22T22:51:00.000+08:00

i need some brainwashing damn desperately.
Everybody was there to tell me how lucky i was to have him, how he was a nice guy and how he's better than this this that that.
Yet now all the this this that that have proven to me that they were better than him.

I dont know why i cant even hold an evil thought of him, everything beautiful about him keeps coming to haunt me. I wish someone will start brainwashing me about how he sucks or help me get over him. Idk why when somebody says smth bad about him its my natural instinct is to stand up for him like how i stood up for charlotte in the past.
Even my heart is going against my mind. My mind has to be stronger now. :(

I need help. Im trying my best to restrain myself already.

pathetic.

2010-07-22T17:32:00.002+08:00

i find myself so pathetic. But i will try my best to get away from this evil of pain that's sucking me in so badly.
He told me he doesnt love me anymore, and he'll never come back. He told me that i hurt him very badly. He told me that nothing i do will change anything.
I realised that everything guys promise you at the start are always lies. But the only thing im sad about the most is all he remembers about me is how i hurt him, yet all i can remember is everything great we had together.
I feel so fucking stupid and pathetic that i cant even convince myself that he's a jerk. He's using this breakup to take revenge on how i hurt him. :(
At least i was there to try to make it better even if i failed, but you arent even here to try. I must be stronger. Cause you're no longer here to protect me, im alone now.

ClaudiaChua, i've got so much i wanna tell you now, i dont know why. I know we dont know each other, but somehow i really really wish you were here. And im sorry i let you down, cause i didnt mean to hurt someone dear to you so much. Im sorry i couldnt make him happy like how i know you would want him to be. Im really sorry. You guys went through so much more, i just feel like im like some extra party in this whole thing. And worse, i screwed up my own life in the process too. I wish you'll enlighten me soon. Give me a dream. And hopefully, i'll get to visit you real soon. :(

shampoo!

2010-07-21T19:29:00.000+08:00

i just bought my orange flavoured shampoo again! So glad i didnt forget. :) I know you love orange and the smell of my hair, so im never gonna change shampoo. Heh heh.

Today wanted go play soccer then weepin almost ram the ball into my face. Im so glad for my fast reaction or i'll have a disfigured face alreadyyy. But it still hit my finger but at least not face. :D

Tmrw's geog and chem test like omg. Totally turned off. Idk if studying, must see my mood leyyy.

Ohwell, i hope this post is happy enough. I hope i dont sound like a hypocriteee. :( i hope this post doesnt look fake. It doesnt right?

Ps/ im sorry i hurt you so badly. Maybe that's why im hurting so badly now.

fiveee.

2010-07-20T21:41:00.000+08:00

just making the fifth post for the day makes me feel that everything's complete ; that i dont owe anything else, and im free to go.
Idk, but i feel that im so good at ranting.
Cause im hiding behind a screen where no one really knows what's going on. :)

:D :D :D :D :D
With that, assume im laughing and smiling my ass off.
Goodbye!!