unknown mysteries.

I don't like how I keep receiving missed calls all the time when I didn't realise my phone rang. And that thing is, I can't see who called and I can't call back. People always say that if its something important, the person will call back. But what if they don't? (they usually don't) Or if they do and I miss it again? I won't even know if its two separate persons.
And then again, I got unknown taggers. Idk what so secretive. If we really don't know each other, I guess its okay. But if we do, and you're shy or for whatever reasons, give me a text or smth. At least I know who's that out there. Plus, I realised there're many stalkers out there and it kinda freaks me out. I don't even understand why people like to read long emo posts when they already know this is my ranting area. Weird generation though. :/

All in all, leave a name if you tag, and leave me a message when I miss your call so that I can get back to you. Kthxbai. (I'm still damn worried for my oral/prelims omfg.)

I wish you'll always be happy because seeing that smile on your face always makes me happy/satisfied for no apparent reason.
And I'll prove you wrong. Just wait and see.

cheap and dirty.

I don't know why, but I feel like a slut/prostitute/cheap bitch now. I just want to erase everything that happened. I feel so grossed out or this might be some aftermath that I feel like scrubbing my skin till it peels, and peel all my skin off so I'll get new ones. And I hope I can pull out my brain and pick out all those things I don't want to remember and burn them. I wish I could. It haunts me everytime someone mentions something related and it scares me more than cockroaches do.

I just want to prove myself so badly to you. But its getting all one-sided. Maybe you've already lost everything you once had for me, I don't know. I wish I knew what you were thinking. I wish I knew how to please you. I wish I wouldn't be so stupid. I wish I would stop crying and embarrassing myself because it takes so much for me to even start crying.
After walking it the rain, it felt like I was being washed. I never thought it felt so good to be drenched. It felt so cold with the massive wind, yet so comforting. Its as though the sky sympathises me and is expressing my feelings deep down. I think I'm shivering o: I thinkkk. And I'm hungryyy. :(

On a lighter note, I wish oral will be easy tmrw and that prelims won't stress me out. I need to start mugging. I need to act like a nerd.
Nonetheless, Happy Birthday Auntie, though you might not have liked me alot. :) But I think you've been really great to me. My impression of you hasn't changed from the very start. :) I love you! :D (not in that way though.)

timid, pessimistic, insecure, weak.

All of a sudden, I hate myself so much for eating today. Not because I'm on a diet, but it just doesn't feel right.

Things to note:
1. I can't do tuition math that is supposedly easy.
2. I can't do tuition physics that everybody can.
3. I can't concentrate on studying for prelims.
4. I failed to send Mr Yap off.
5. My parents make me feel like shit at times.
6. My dad has a great sense of humour.
7. I feel like crying when I laugh.
8. I almost broke down today many times.
9. I'm glad I didn't.
10. I feel like vomitting.
11. I look ugly because my face depicts my mood and it sucks that even my face can't lie.
12. My orange shampoo is running out.
13. I believe in karma.
14. I fail to bring joy and fail to hide my misery.
15. I need to stop scolding vulgarities although it can describe my mood best.
16. I need more sleep.
17. I don't have enough time.
18. I think about him all the time.
19. Its all one-sided.
20. I wish, I meant something more.
21. I got dark eye circles that are very super obvious now.
22. Self suicidal is a definite no-no for me.
23. I feel pathetic and really stupid.
24. I hate myself.
25. This is my favourite number and probably the most significant in my life.

I realised that when you die, you don't really die. Instead, you live forever, in people's heart. And in the memories, you're remembered for how perfect you are.
I wish I can be slightly more towards perfect.

Fuck, I feel damn desperate/weak.
I need to stop this.

cold hard truths.

:'( suddenly everything around me seems so sad. There's no wind, the trees no longer sway, the birds no longer chirp happily, and there're no children playing outside and screaming. Everything's so quiet, its like they're mourning for my loss too. I wish it was a small loss for me too. But its not. :( Even my hair screws up, and then I look at my mirror and feel so ugly. Because somehow, all the colours seem to have left me overnight.
All I'm left with are memories. And they keep stabbing at my heart because it feels like everything just happened yesterday. I know nothing will be the same again. But I'm just clinging on to that very tiny piece of hope.

What if I told you that I am traumatised about something you never knew? I wish you'll heal this. But you left. I don't blame you. Its just that I couldn't bring myself to tell you this, because I know that you'll leave me, because you'll despise me, because, it just brings me closer to being a slut.

Fuck, I hate myself now. I hate how I've to always talk about sensitive topics. How I always make myself so weak and pathetic, yearning for something that doesn't belong to me anymore.
You belong with her. No one can ever replace her, like how no one will replace you. I'm sorry I hurt you again.


I'm sorry, forgive me. I shouldn't. I let you down. I failed. I tried, really. I want to get good grades. Help me get away from this pain, help him move on. Help him get good grades, make him happy. All I need is some courage. Give me some. I don't want to go through all these again. Enlightenment, bravery. Spare me some. :(
I really don't want to screw up.
Again.

forever never.

Nothing lasts forever. Don't ever promise forever, because there'll always be someone holding on to that word.
I always go to bed hating myself when I make you angry. Your mum tells me you're hot-tempered, but I always try but fail, to erase that side of you.

I really really miss that old you that loves me, that puts me before everything else. But now, nothing that I do affects your heart a slightest bit.

Because.
I'm not the first.
I hurt you too badly.
She's a thousand times better than me and you will never ever get over her.

To you, this is so trival because you've gone through worse. But to me, its my first and its feeling so badly I don't know whether you understand that you're probably the only medicine. And you chose not to cure me. :(

You say I don't understand you at all.
But that's because you never gave me the chance to. You never told me how you felt at all. You didn't want to share.

Now, I suffer from all the memories you've left me with. Somehow, I wish I never returned the ipod/the blue book. I wish the ipod still had the songs I were so familiar with. I wish I still had things to remember you by.
I hope you'll remember me with all the notes you have. :)
I love you.

Ps/ I still regret having so little photos!! :( :( :(
This sucks.
Boo. D:

empty again.

Ate dinner alone on my huge dining table and it was so quiet. So very quiet it makes me so scared and leaving my heart feeling so lonely and empty, again.
I didn't mean it. I don't want you to be angry. I don't want you to be sad. I don't want you to feel frustrated.

I just want a little mutual trust and understanding. Afterall, you can totally see how much (or some people say stupidly) I am head over heels you.
I wish you'll see that you're the one. And it hasn't changed since the start.

At least for me it hasn't.
Please stop ignoring me, please. :(

weird mood swings.

Happy belated National Day. :)

I woke up this morning many a times and keep going back to sleep. I ended up only waking up at 12noon. Was actually really happy this morning after a phone call that ended at 10am. I was laughing and all before I went back to sleep.

Woke up at 12 to eat Maggi Mee and cook for my brother too. How sweet right. Then now I use comp then like damn sad already idk why. I've like no mood to mug/do anything else when I'm lagging behind in my study timetable by a hell lot already.

I think its just because I'm jealous that my brother has a girlfriend nao and she's at our house. And suddenly that empty feeling hits me again to remind me once again about the people I've lost this year.

I never got them back no matter how close I almost did. :(

Both of you.

It feels like I've always been self-comforting and telling myself that everything's the same but somehow its never like before.

On a lighter note, my India buddy's gone home.

Mixed emotions now, and really really really tired.

The least painful way to die?

Sleep in the car and never wake up.

*winks. :)

(no worries, the thought of commiting suicide didn't cross my mind) ;)

I still feel guilty for trying to replace you even though it has been about 9months ago when I first did that. I'm glad I somehow never managed to. :)

national day celebrationnn.

National day celebration actually kinda sucked really. To think its our lasy year in XMS and this is the kind of leaving celebration we got. Just singing two songs whereby its not even the sound from the soundtrack. :/ I think I shouldnt comment on the person who sang the songs.
I thought today was kinda pathetic and actually, I do feel somewhat ruined already. Mr.Pah said we should be celebrating today but yet I'm just sitting in the canteen and not doing much. In fact, I've nothing to do and I'm like sleeping or something. No celebratory mood at all.
Let's just skip the part about the India buddies already. I think I feel grossed out enough.
Now I'm like looking at all the teachers eat duians, mangosteens, longans etc in the canteen. Omfg I feel damn sian and the smell is overwhelmingly disgusting and I feel like vomitting even thought I like every single type of fruit that is sitting on the table. I think my body's just acting up a little bit and I kinda feel really uncomfortable.

There's like nobody in school at all lah damn freaking sian. I feel like going home, but now there's nobody at home and I dont even have my comfortable bed to lie on anymore. At least for now.

Seriously, just fuck everything. Go ahead and tell me how mean I am towards my buddy. Blame me loh, say I'm bad to her. Anything.
I think I'm not affected anymore because I feel like I've done more than just providing her a place to sleep at night and I cant take this shit already.
I hope she goes back before I freak out. Really. I'm gonna screw prelims/o levels. Tell me to tolerate. Yeah, okay, I will. Maybe you'll trust me to sat that, but I don't know if I'll keep my promise.

Fuck off, sluts/bastards. Be gone now.

100th: forgive & forget.

After reading wanyi's blog post, I feel so inferior for being so immature. I hope life really have alot in store for me! :D
This is my 100th post, so I'll learn this important lesson today - to forgive and forget.

I need to stop clinging on, because those that really matter never really leave. Though I'll never stop wishing people come back, I'll also never stop hoping for them to be happy.
Because sometimes a smile is all it takes to make you feel its all worth it. :)

:DDD yay me yay you yay everything.
Except o levels, prelims and the bicultural omfg. :( i feel damn cheated/scammed by Mr.Singh. I hope my prelims will be okay still, and I'll get good grades! :) wheee.
Next tuesdayyy omfggg!! o:

belief, hope, faith.

C: I'm just sorry I always screw things up. I know I give up easily and I don't try hard enough. I dont perservere, I'm just not up to the standard, and I,m pessimistic. I know. I just want you to know that you've been a significant piece in my life, and the past 1year plus has been great, all the fun and laughter, its possible because you were there. I know you never felt like I appreciated you and that I didn't do much for you. I'm sorry I failed in that aspect to let you feel how important you were to me. Nonetheless, I'm still glad/comforted somehow that you lead a better life now, and knowing that you've found a better replacement makes the pieces fit even better. Thanks for being there with me thick and thin, I'm sorry I couldnt make the "f" in "bff" forever. I just want you to know that letting you go was a decision I didn't want to make. But I really didn't get to choose. If you read this, I just want to say sorry for making you feel like I took you for granted and how I abandoned you and made you feel like a substitute. I was wrong, but I just hope things are better for you now. Like you said, you felt like I never did anything when my best friend's gone, yet how I cried day and night for him. In fact, it hurt me a hell lot then. And to see you with someone else that could replace me so easily; I didn't know how to feel. It was probably what I would have wanted, but yet it made my heart ache really badly, idk. But it came to a balance when I realised you're treating her like how you treated me. Your life was back to how it was.
I'm sorry I ruined some parts of your life, but I'm glad you made a comeback. I'm telling you all these not because I want you to come back (in fact, i think you shouldn't), or for you to sympathise me or feel anything, but because I don't you to graduate thinking that you were always the "second-class citizen", because to me, you never were. I admit I put him in priority all the time, but you were equally important. You were always there when I needed you, and your every little action/note touched me and never failed to make me feel better. :) He could see me hurt, but you couldn't. And you did everything you could (including cycling to my house just for a note) to make me feel like you're there for me, despite all my attitude towards you. For all the chances you gave me, I can only say that I didn't treasure them.
Thank you for everything, and I miss you more than those you named for me. I'm just glad you gained much more with one insignificant loss. I hope you'll always stay so cheerful and happy-go-lucky, cause it was that about you that has picked me up time and again when I felt like shit. Please continue to be gayyy! :D Most importantly, thanks for being the best friend I could ever ever have, hollowhead. :)

Ps/ I probably have so much to say, but it doesn't matter. The point is, I'm sorry I can't tell you these in person, cause I probably can't face the fact how you've changed towards me, and I think I won't make it through without crying like some dog. So, goodbye best friend, I hope we'll still be friends. :)