i'll cry you a river.

I don't know what happened today, I've tried really hard, enjoyed myself, tried positive but all in all, everything failed. I know I always seem so strong, to take everything in my stride, but what you never see is how ugly I look when I break down. My heart hurts so much that tears I try to keep so much won't listen to me, and they just trickle down my cheek. I cry time and again, but you don't understand how sick I am of it. I really miss laughing my ass off everything, to face everything with my smile. I cry, I smile, I comfort, I chide, I reflect, I resolve, I wipe off my tears and start anew.
To get away from the first stage to stop from crying is probably the toughest thing. Every little thing, the wrong word, the wrong place, the wrong time, the wrong atmosphere, the wrong strangers ; they all make a difference. Once I start, its so hard to stop, it gets so hard, it makes me feel like shit. I feel useless, I feel redundant, I feel like a failure and I feel rejected. That pain in my heart that keeps stabbing me, makes me feel that its so hard to breathe, to talk, to smile, to laugh ; mostly to communicate and bond with the people around me.

All in all, friends, I've probably given up on all. Life's not okay. Family, friends, studies, sleep, nothing seems okay. Nothing's going right for me.

I finally admit, its not okay. I'm not okay.

Thank you for all of you to treat me this way. It has really woken me up. I'll make myself transparent as a glass, cause I know everything's okay even if I'm not there. When you need me I'll be there. I'll be your substitute for everything. I'll be there for you even if you've never been there for me. Everyone has someone else now. It has always been. I've always been so naive, I can't handle friendships, relationships. It's one sided, I'm the one that always thinks that everything's okay when everything's not. I comfort myself, I blind myself. To see you guys happy makes everything okay, and I'll smile, cause to see people happy is the reason I'm here, the rest doesn't matter. I can't make people happy, I don't cause an impact but I'm okay afterall. Smiles around me heal my wounds.

I'm an idiot. I'm worse than a retard. I shouldn't be here.
Goodbye.

PS/ Darling, it was never your fault from the start. To see your smile, I'll even die in peace. It doesn't matter who makes that smile. :)