its over.

Its all over tonight, never was there a second chance.

The higher the hopes, the harder the fall.

I never thought this day would come. To tell you the truth, I thought we would last a hell of a long time. But it happened anyway. I realised that reading about other couples make me sad. I realised lying on the bed makes me sad. I realised that going to Facebook makes me sad. I realised that some friends make me sad. I realised that photos makes me sad. I realised videos make me sad. I realised almost everything makes me sad. Cause everything is interlinked. Isn't it?
I shouldn't be sad. I should've fucking got over this by now. Just honoured to be the first uh, and then it doesn't matter anymore. The way you told me you were honoured, the way you used to tell me you love me / miss me so excitedly, I just can't believe it doesn't exist anymore. The way you used to tried to surprise me, the way you tried to write notes neatly and draw pretty stuffs for me, they only last for like a few months. And then suddenly nothing about you matters to you anymore. Aye, fuck, I should stop talking about this. When I rant too much, I might start to cry. I've already promised myself not to. (:

I realised I enjoy ranting. I realised I love words. I realised I love to use chunks of words to express how I feel deep inside.
Maybe that's why I've yet to have depression.
I don't even dare to tell my parents how sad I've been these holidays. I don't want them to know that I've difficulty breathing because I've been so sad, I'd rather they think I'm suffering from anxiety. Which isn't true.

I've to get back up. I've to stop crying at nights. I've to start on my homework. I've to make people scold me. I've to make people leave me. I've to make people hate me. I've to try to stop hating myself. Then again, I've got to be alone. I should never have created relationships with people. Friendships, relationships, none. It all just makes me feel more sad. The fact that I look at myself and sometimes wonder what hit me so badly. I really don't feel like talking to anyone, I don't even feel like opening my mouth. I don't feel like eating. I need to lean on something. Something really comfortable. Now I'm left with my pillow and bolster to sleep with me. I'm sure they'll make great company. Its just that I should stop making them wet and make it so hard to sleep.

I should breathe harder. I don't want to die now.
I've to stop expecting people to do stuffs, I shouldn't expect my friends or even my best friend to care. Who cares. Stop caring. Then I'll be able to numb all the emotions I ever had. Then when someone does something for me maybe I'll feel really happy.

Maybe it'll take me months to smile from the bottom from my heart instead of just smiling/laughing before feeling like shit again.
Jiahui took 6months, I'm aiming for 3.

I'm gonna make it through.
Goodbye, thank you for being so heartless, it allowed me to make the decision better.
I love you, but the old one.