I realised life really sucks. I realised I've nobody to rant to and there's never someone that can make the pain go away. I'll laugh, I'll smile, but the pain within is always piercing me so hard sometimes I can't breathe.
I really wanna say things to these people, but I'll never say it to their face, so I'll say in here in case I'll never get the chance. But if they never read it I hope that someday they will.
Avan: Thanks for helping me these few days, I'm sorry if I made you kana. I hope I don't make you sad like how I've made the others. Do feel free to dao me anytime, but tell me okay? So I won't expect a reply and feel sad k! You don't sad lah. You damn random one loh, but at least you try anyhow. Thanks ah.
Charlotte: I'm glad you're with Jaime now, she's definitely a much better friend than I was. Hopefully you guys will be best friends for a long time, and once again, I'm sorry for everything I did to you and how badly I made you feel. Just to let you know it kills me to have known you suffer. If you don't believe, I can't do much, but I hope you'll always be happy-go-lucky. If you felt I attitude you today, I'm sorry, I probably wasn't feeling great myself, I didn't mean to vent it on you. I miss you a hell lot more than the 50 you said, I can probably name you a hundred. But anyhow, all the best for your O's and hopefully you'll get into the school you want, whether DSA or not, okay? You've been a great best friend, really. Thanks for standing with me through everything and all the shit.
Daryl: I hope you're happy with your life now, I bet it feels much better without someone bugging you. But I realised I'm used to bugging you already so it kind of feels weird. I'm sorry for all the crying, I'm glad you don't have to listen to it anymore. I hope you'll be happy hanging out with S, cause afterall she probably liked you and you'll stand a great chance of you're thinking of anything. I don't think we want to be friends, despite what your mother said. Afterall, at the end of the day, I just want you to be happy. I'm sorry I couldn't give you any, I hope S will. And I know all your friends will too. All the best for your N level k, don't give up and study hard. I wish you all the best k. Oh, and if your mother tells you anything about me, don't care lah k, I don't want to demoralise you any further. The book's the only memory I have of us, please take good care of it though it doesn't say much, but the first few pages are really ideal. If you don't want it, don't throw it away, okay? I won't bother you any further, be happy! Then again, thank you for everything you've done to me, you really did make me happy. I love you.
Minnie: I hope you're living your life well, I'm sorry I brought much hatred within you. Hate me if you want to, maybe I really deserve it. Nonetheless, I hope you're happy and everything's well for you. I'm glad Sydney's a good best friend.
Ryan: I don't know what happened, but you don't want to talk to me (thanks for telling me) and this time round I won't ask why. I just want you to know that you've always been my pillar of support and I thought I could depend on you somehow. But you've your own stuffs and I intrude too much I guess. I'm sorry if I made you this way/made you sad, I didn't mean to. I don't know what I did, but I really hope you can cheer up, you're like one of the happiest person 24/7 I've seen so far. It felt like nothing could bring you down. But then again, I'm sorry I couldn't be of any help to you. I hope you'll be happier, cheer up. You're the best secretary/entertainer ever before anything happened. Sorry k.
Wanyi: I know you've been kinda close to me now, you're like my only friend left. I'm sorry I keep reminding you of your memories of Daryl and how everything fell apart. I'm really apologetic okay. I know you always try to help me and I realise we feel really alike. Committing suicide/hurting yourself, I thought about it and perhaps tried it. It doesn't work. I don't want to see you cry, I don't want to see you hurt yourself, I don't want you to be in the pain I am in now. I'm sure you don't want to see Daryl cry for you when he sees you - lifeless. I'm sure not. I'm sure you just want him to regret, I'm sure you just want him to give you the slightest concern. I perhaps did too, but now that he can live so well, I should too, and so should you. I'm sorry I always ruin your study timetable, I really can't bring myself to study. Its like my heart feels like exploding any moment. It beats so hard and tears flow like free. I know you've felt the same way. I know how it kills. But he was my first, I'm probably not able to let go as fast as you. If you take one year, I'll take two. I don't know. I feel like sleeping peacefully and never wake up too, but life's never like that okay. I ain't got any friends too, but I'll just live, its great being a loner too y'know. Well, sometimes. Remember I'll always be here for you, and don't do foolish stuffs, okay? All the best for your N levels, study really really hard and keep to your timetable okay? Jiayou.
I.Should.Stop.Crying.
Diary, I wish you would come alive and comfort me now. I've never felt like this in my entire life, it feels like I'm dying. I want to stop imagining my dead body anywhere.
I thought my family will be there for me, but I realised not. I'm alone now.
I need more tissue. :(
I just want to dig a hole and hide myself. I just need a change of heart. I just need to clear my memories. I just want to redo my life.
But I'll do it all over again if it made you happy.
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