this is getting from bad,

Dear Diary,


I don't understand why I'm such a failure in life. I keep trying to keep my spirits up, but I don't know why I'm starting to feel so down recently. I'm not supposed to be feeling like this, its so shit. Maybe I'm just plain greedy, that I don't cherish people around me. But when I do, it gets so so so hard. I write notes to myself, I vent by writing. There's no one else I feel that I can speak to. They won't listen. Either that, or I can't bring myself to tell them. I don't even know why I'm in such a state.


Karma, retribution. Maybe. I should be so grateful to friends around me. But everytime I look back and think, 'hey she's quite nice ley', then she disappears with her own friends. I mean, everybody has their own friends. I don't fit in the way I want to. I miss so many things in life that I want back, but I know it's not gonna happen, no matter how hard I try. I'm grateful to have my family behind me though I'm not always happy with them, but they've been there for me no matter what. I'm really happy that my relationship with my brother is improving slightly. We don't get into fights that often anymore. My mother's really strict, and my dad's never happy with my results, but I know them still love me no matter what happens. ♥


I suppose I'm oversensitive, maybe there's some misunderstanding, that I hope so much it is. But I'll never ask, so I suppose it'll remain like this. Yeah, so if I don't speak, nothing's wrong. I don't know why, but sometimes, I feel so close to someone, then the next day, they treat me like nothing happened the day before. I'm so confused. We're supposed to be close, but we break apart so easily. I suppose I suck at this, cause there'll always be someone out there, that'll be a much better friend than me. I knew this was coming, I wish I was back in the old days, where things were much less complicated. I don't even know why I'm complicating things myself.


I know I keep things to myself at times, but yet express myself much sometimes I feel like I've said things I shouldn't. I can't speak well, so I'd rather write. But after I write notes/letters, I tear them and throw it away in the bin cause I've no courage. :/ I don't even know why we can't have a group of friends, and why we must have a special friend called a best friend. Why can't we have best friends? Why must they tell secrets in my face, when I can't know what it is? Gah, I'm freaking myself out, really. I feel like a total moron being oversensitive and trying to change just to please some people. ): I AM A MORON I AM AN IDIOT I AM STUPID AND I AM OVERSENSITIVE. Okay this sucks to th max.

Gah, I don't know why, I'll always feel so left out, but I've thought it through, that its not really worth it all, I don't even know why I bother to please people who can't stand me. ):

Ps, goodluck for O'levels. I guess I'm over this. Shall not rant anymore, thank you diary. :)