To give.

A tale of Two Seas

Sitting in the Geography class in school, I remember how fascinated I was when we were being taught all about the Dead Sea. As you probably recall, the Dead Sea is really a Lake, not a sea (and as my Geography teacher pointed out, if you understood that, it would guarantee 4 marks in the term paper!)
Its so high in salt content that the human body can float easily. You can almost lie down and read a book! The salt in the Dead Sea is as high as 35% - almost 10 times the normal ocean water. And all that saltiness has meant that there is no life at all in the Dead Sea. No fish. No vegetation. No sea animals. Nothing lives in the Dead sea.

And hence the name: Dead sea.

While the Dead Sea has remained etched in my memory, I don't seem to recall learning about the Sea of Galilee in my school Geography lesson. So when I heard about the Sea of Galilee and the Dead Sea and the tale of the two seas - I was intrigued. Turns out that the Sea of Galilee is just north of the Dead Sea. Both the Sea of Galilee and the Dead Sea receive their water from river Jordan. And yet, they are very, very different.


Unlike the Dead Sea, the Sea of Galilee is pretty, resplendent with rich, colorful marine life. There are lots of plants. And lots of fish too. In fact, the sea of Galilee is home to over twenty different types of fishes.


Same region, same source of water, and yet while one sea is full of life, the other is dead.. How come?


Here apparently is why. The River Jordan flows into the Sea of Galilee and then flows out. The water simply passes through the Sea of Galilee in and then out - and that keeps the Sea healthy and vibrant, teeming with marine life.


But the Dead Sea is so far below the mean sea level, that it has no outlet. The water flows in from the river Jordan, but does not flow out. There are no outlet streams. It is estimated that over a million tons of water evaporate from the Dead Sea every day. Leaving it salty. Too full of minerals. And unfit for any marine life.


The Dead Sea takes water from the River Jordan, and holds it. It does not give. Result? No life at all.

Think about it.

Life is not just about getting. Its about giving. We all need to be a bit like the Sea of Galilee.

We are fortunate to get wealth, knowledge, love and respect. But if we don't learn to give, we could all end up like the Dead Sea. The love and the respect, the wealth and the knowledge could all evaporate. Like the water in the Dead Sea.


If we get the Dead Sea mentality of merely taking in more water, more money, more everything the results can be disastrous. Good idea to make sure that in the sea of your own life, you have outlets. Many outlets. For love and wealth - and everything else that you get in your life. Make sure you don't just get, you give too. Open the taps. And you'll open the floodgates to happiness.


Make that a habit. To share. To give.

And experience life. Experience the magic!

Take your Empathy test!

0 - 32 = low (most people with Asperger Syndrome or high-functioning autism score about 20)
33 - 52 = average (most women score about 47 and most men score about 42)
53 - 63 is above average
64 - 80 is very high
80 is maximum

I GOT 55 :o

Emotions relapse

I don't know why I feel so emotional now but I really need a ranting space before I really break down. I appreciate how people always try to be there for me, but sometimes it just doesn't help because its all inside me and how I feel. No matter how I try to put it into words, it never comes out exactly how I'm feeling inside.

I feel so used. So like a substitute. I don't feel valued nor even appreciated for. Everybody can just irk me so easily. I feel very sensitive. But fuck, I wasn't like this before. Why has this new school moulded me into such a miserable person? Why can't they make me feel like this is my second home like how Xinmin never fails to do? Why?

They're making me lose my passion for something that used to get my going in school. Something that was a source of motivation and encouragement. They're ruining my life. They're not giving chances. They're taking every single little thing that's so priceless away from me.

I really hate this. I really want to break down now.

This feeling inside can't even be explained with just plain words. All these are just understatements. I'm too naive to think this feeling of regret will go away. I know it won't. I must just hang in there and hopefully I won't die halfway through this 2 year journey. (or maybe 3)

I MISS XINMIN SECONDARY SCHOOL AND MY COHORT PEOPLE TO THE MAX. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.

And the best part probably comes when the people I need the most doesn't even realise how much I need them now.

Lies and the heart to deceive and mislead.

I don't understand why some people just can't tell the truth and have to hide it. Be someone you are, and not someone you try to be. Because its so god damn obvious I feel like telling you in the face that you should stop trying to do it simply due to the reason that I can totally see through you, and why wouldn't others? Don't try to mislead me with some answers so that it can shut me up or satisfy me even for that little moment.

Somehow I'd rather you not tell me an answer. I admit I'll keep whining about it and making you tell me the answer, but at least I'm not misled, YET. I hate it when people lie. For whatever fucking reason. Unless its a white lie with a good supporting reason to use it, yes. But if you just tell me we aren't close and all, I'd accept it in the end too, wouldn't I? Urgh damn just hate this feeling of people not trusting me.

On a lighter note, I'm happy for my birthday celebrations. Thanks to the badminton team esp Ei Huan and Yunru that ran in the rain for the cake, Yina, Darren, Yuxian & Jason for the cards and Sisterhood for the cake! :) Not forgetting Liyi, Yuxiang and Harvest for gifts no matter how small! ^^ AND MY BEST CRAYON WHO HAS THE SAME BIRTHDAY AS ME FOR THE PRETTY CARD AND CUTE LITTLE DINO CUPCAKE THAT I DID NOT MANAGE TO EAT SINCE THE ANTS BEAT ME TO IT. :(

Birthdays are supposed to be joyful, not tearful.

Yeah I'm likka crying little bitch now.

Can't go out for dinner even on my birthday eve. I feel thoroughly screwed. And I'm even chided for having a boyfriend. I can never go out. Not on any of the 365 days. Even if I do, I NEVER get to stay over. Overprotective strict parents? Definite yes. My whole life should just be getting A's and earning lots of money in the future.

I never get any support in my family. And you guys ask why I always attend to my phone. And you guys ALWAYS think that after giving me all that shit, giving me a hug and telling me you love me solves everything. I'm telling you, the hurt that you've caused never goes away. There's no hurt that ever goes away no matter what you do. No matter what ANYONE does.

Sorry is just for forgiveness - a promise you'll never use their past sins against them. But no, it never makes the hurt go away even if I feel better.

My birthday is screwed already even before it arrived. I just hope tomorrow will be a better day for me. :(

Tumblr

Never should've thought life's gonna be smooth.

LifeFrame is like fun. :))

Its been a problematic week, but I guess I've survived so far.

Can't stand how people never really accept me for who I am. Its starting to make me want to change, to change out of this personality that I've had for years. One that I've felt so comfortable and happy with. Now I've to change.

And I'm not even changing for even the slightest bit of a smart reason. Nor does it even make sense.

Everybody has flaws, but do remember that everybody do have strengths. I've learnt to hang out with people I don't like, but I don't openly show that I dislike them. Yes, I may ignore them a little here and there, but I don't ignore them entirely. Basically I'm just trying to avoid getting myself all worked up and ruining friendships in the end. Afterall, I believe that everybody deserves a chance, a second chance, and sometimes even the third.

I miss my secondary school alot. Though there were so many conflicts here and there, but we survived it all. We forgave and forgot, we gave in and took, we accept and get accepted, we comfort and hurt, we cry and laugh - but all in all, it ended happily. Till now, I haven't really felt the 'omg i love this school and this team max'. We've had conflicts in our old team, many in fact, but I've never felt like this before. I've never fucking cried because of people I'm not even close with. But yesterday I did, and I can't remember how many times I did that last night. I've never even cried for so long before. And the simple reason was - I felt inferior. I didn't feel good enough. I couldn't meet expectations. I didn't behave the ideal way. I couldn't feel comfortable, nor express myself. It just didn't feel like MY team. The people I've accepted became strangers, and the strangers become my friends. I don't know what's going on.

I just don't like the feeling of this. I hate feeling inferior. My self-esteem's going down all over again. I don't even wanna be viewed in the light. I just want to be more capable.

I'M GONNA FUCKING PROVE EVERYBODY WRONG. Because I never believe I won't get up after a fall. No matter how deep I fell, I'm getting up all over again. I'm not gonna give up on myself like how I always used to. I'm never gonna let myself down anymore.

T, I'm sorry you feel that I'm avoiding you now, but I'm just not so prepared to give you the third chance so soon. Maybe because I'm facing complications myself, and my heart can't settle. You'll soon realise what has gone wrong, and maybe someday you'll realise that this is what the society like. You shouldn't assume we're like your secondary school friends, because we aren't. Neither are all of you any like my secondary school friends. Everybody just change over time, and even I've to change now. So maybe someday I'll be opening up to you again, and hopefully you're not gonna try and hurt us all over again.

XMS

Just talked to weepin and now I really really miss Xinmin a hell lot.

All that memories and all the warmth of my friends, seniors, juniors, teachers and even admin staffs, principals, vice-principals, everything. The whole year when I was in my secondary four, with or without training, was awesome.

I still miss my coach a hell lot of course, and my awesomest team. Not forgetting my class, cohort, and everybody that made my experience there worthwhile.

I'd pay any price to go through it all again.

The feeling I get when I wake up every morning, dead tired and whining, but deep down I've this burning passion to go to school and see all my friends and enjoy life.

Even if its just studying together.

Beautiful places.

"The most beautiful place isn't the place with the best view or the greatest scenery.

It's the place that your heart is at ease, even when you're alone.

You could be in the middle of the deadliest ocean and you're all calm.

You can feel the breeze gently blowing, kissing your cheeks.

You can feel your hair swishing, you breathe in the freshest air and there's nothing more that you would want to do but to keep standing there.

A reassuring arm is on your shoulder. You enjoy the company of each other, in silence.

I wonder if Heaven is like that, where we can just stand there and watch the people we love, living their lives away. Our hearts at ease, pounding so silently, you can't find your pulse.

2 years has since passed. And we all went on our separate ways, some still in touch, some completely forgotten, but we all reunite today. Claudia, hope Heaven is how you want and how you like it to be. Hope you life up there, isn't painful. Happy 2nd year Claudia...."

Taken from Geokmin's blog.

Happy girl with pierced ear! :))

Did I mention I went to pierce my ears yesterday? It was like so awesome. Even the compass point 77th street lady was so super nice. I saw her and thought she'd be like those damn attitude one especially after I saw her talk to her friend like a little not happy. :x

Oh well, never judge a book by its over, cause she was awesomely nice. She waited v patiently for me to be FULLY prepared and didn't rush me at all. Instead she was v polite and uber patient. I like man! ;) Maybe that's why it didn't really hurt. She was quite gentle I guess. :))

YAY ME IZ LIKE HAPPY GIRL WITH PIERCED EAR. SHALL UPLOAD PHOTOS SOON.

HAD FUN @ TODAY'S OUTING WITH THE BADMINTON GIRLS CAUSE I MIZZ THEM LIKE LOADS AND LOADS AND STUDYING WITH NEMO AND RED NOSE REINDEER WAS FAIL BUT MANY MANY PICTURES TAKEN! ^^

Yay upload next round. Now need to go to sleep. Aye, Xinminians forever the most awesome cause they always make me feel like I belong and I just feel so damn comfortable with them. Even Wanyi today damn awesomely nice to me and she kinda opened up a little to me! Haha thought this day would never come.

YES ME IS GOING TO GO TO SLEEP A HAPPY GIRL NOW. :))

Luv y'alls! (L)

How to be a better person.

1. Listen more.
2. Critisize less, keep thoughts to self.
3. Do not lose temper especially with people I love.
4. Do not judge.
5. Take a deep breath when feeling resentment and see things in a different perspective.
6. Empathize others.
7. Control my attitude and not overreact.
8. Do not get too emotional.
9. Live without pretending, love without depending, listen without defending, speak without offending.
10. Cherish, and count my blessings.

I miss all the friendships that we all took so long to make perfect.

And now that we've gone through all the obstacles meant to break us up, we graduated.

All the conflicts, arguments, blog wars, resentment, anger, disappointments, tears - they're all deeply etched in my heart. Because some friendships just never get forgotten no matter how far we're all apart now.

I miss every single one of you, because all of you made world a place I know it to be.

I just wish it'd stay that way.

That longing of belonging.

It doesn't matter that I look horrid here. Because the times then were so beautiful. I was whining my whole life away in Xinmin I pressume, and then now that I've left, the feeling eats me from inside out.

Nothing's gonna feel the same anymore. I've been left out in Xinmin, but the feeling, the homeliness is irreplaceable. The people, the conflicts, the teachers; even with all the flaws taken into consideration, triumphs everything I'm going through now.

Life really sucks. Just thinking about Xinmin makes me wanna cry. My team, my classmates, our fooling around, gossiping sessions, rumours, EVERY SINGLE THING. I miss our cohort. I really really do. I admit I didn't wanna come into Xinmin, but when I stepped into the school, I knew I was gonna miss it when I leave. I didn't know why then, but now I do. My instincts were right.

I just live in regret everyday with the decisions I make ever since I graduated. I don't mind taking O's again as long as this feeling goes away. This feeling is gonna eat me up for two whole darn years.

Hahaha cuteness max.

Woah I think last time I'm like effing cute. Hahaha buay tahan.

Today imba good mood Idk why. Maybe cause I slept like super long, or maybe its cause of the movie yesterday. Aye, Ei Huan just damn funny I also buay tahan. ^^

She was crying before yewheng asked her if Henry died. She had to turn her head away before telling him yes cause like awkward max. Imba funny.

Idk why but it still makes me laugh.

Shit this is not good.

Forgiving max.

Some things are not meant to be held on for so long. Hating is tiring.

I'm gonna try my very best not to be bias against anyone so k.

I LET GO SO YOU BETTER STOP ANNOYING PLEASE KTHXBAI.

I think I very good girl.

And I think I laugh too much.

I think I talk too much.

Me shall try to be silent girl as much as possible.

No more noisy girl alr k.

Airport studying!

Went to airport to study yesterday and was too tired when I reached home so I didn't really like post although I wanted to say like tons of stuff hahaha.

But now I forgot so ..

HAHAHAHA shall forget it.

The main thing is - I finally touched my homework after a week of non-mugging.

Like feel so proud only! ^^

Parents' orientation today, nothing much just that I think YW mother loves Dora a tons lot and keep siding him. And she has an iphone but can't use Teh's to take picture but can with her own LOL. Like damn joke only. :x

MUST STOP USING COMP. :(

The greatest irony of love

Loving the right person at the wrong time or having the wrong person when the time is right; finding out you love someone after that person walks out of your life. For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person. Some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else. Most relationships tend to fail not because of the absence of love, but because love is always present. It’s just that one was being loved too much, and the other was being loved too little. Most often, we fall in love with the person we think we love, but to only discover that for them we are just for past times. While the one who truly loves us remains either your friend or a stranger.

When you think of your past love; you may view it as a failure; but when you find a new love, you view the past as a teacher. In the game of love, it doesn’t really matter who won or who lost. What’s important is that you know when to hold on and when to let go. You know that you love someone when you want him or her to be happy, even if their happiness means that you’re not apart of it. Everything happens for a reason and for its best. If the person you love doesn’t love you back, don’t be afraid to love someone else again, for you’ll never know unless you give it a try.

You’ll never truly love a person, unless you risk for their love; love strives in hurting. If you don’t get hurt, then you won’t learn how to love. Love doesn’t hurt all the time; though the hurting is there to test you, to help you grow. Don’t find love, let love find you; that’s why it’s called falling in love, because you don’t need to force yourself to love, you just fall. You cannot finish a book without closing the chapters. If you want to move on, then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages.

Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress. But why is it that the greatest irony of love is letting go when you want to hold on, and holding on when you need to let go? You can never find the right person if you can never let it go of the wrong, but at the same time the moment you feel like letting go, you remember why you held on for so long. Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.
To love is to risk rejection, to live is to risk dying and to hope is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing at all. To reach for another is to risk involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose your true self. To love is to risk not being loved in return.

How to define love: Fall but do not stumble. Be constant but not too persistent. Share and never be unfair. Understand and try not to demand. Hurt but never keep the pain.
Love is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling. It should inspire you and give you joy and strength. But sometimes the things that give you joy can also hurt you in the end. Loving people means giving them the freedom; whom they choose to be and where they choose to go. Loving someone means giving them the freedom to find their way, whether it leads towards you or away from you.

Love can be a painful risk. To love means that risk must be taken, no matter how scary or painful, for only then will you experience the fullness of humanity of what we call love. If you’re not ready to cry, if you’re not ready to take the risk and if you’re not ready to feel the pain, then you’re not ready to fall in love.

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Got this from tumblr, thought it really made sense. :)

C.

I may have never known you, but you feel so close to me. Every single time I feel sad or think about him, you always appear. It just feels so close. Nobody understands this, I'm insane, and I probably don't have the right to even feel sad, but I do.

Its so hard to explain but I really wish you were here. Not by me, but just here with all the rest. Because the stage belongs to you, and there's this guilt eating me up day by day that I stole everything that belonged to you.

I'm glad you feel close. I'm glad I'm like talking to myself every night but thinking you're listening. Maybe you are, but it feels like it. And that's all that matters.

I sincerely hope you're happy.

You'll always remain ideal to me - maybe because of the simple reason that we've never known each other. :)

Thanks for being there.

Because the past matters.

We used to be the best of friends. I don't know what happened. I've cooled down now and I'm now sober. So whatever I'm gonna say is not due to anger or any other emotions.

I know I haven't been great. But y'know how it affects me when you side others, even if its just a joke to laugh at me. I can't take it. I can't take it especially when its you. I don't know, we're getting more distant. And for a moment today I hated you so hard I wanted to cry. Then on my journey home, I wanted to cry more because either you've changed, or I did. I don't know.

Whatever's between us isn't that simple friendship that was so valuable then. It has all changed. For a moment I regretted going Meridian, going to badminton and going through all the thick and thin. Because all I remember was probably the recent you. The one that blamed me about me being bias. The one that I keep arguing with. The one that no longer treats me as a best friend.

The one that I've lost. The one that can change my mood so easily. You've changed, and maybe you'd say I did too.

And today, suddenly I felt these were all over. All the silent sacrifices I've never mentioned all felt so wasted. Treated so lightly, trampled over. Maybe I didn't mind in the past, maybe I still blame you for me being in Meridian, I don't know. I don't know what's going on okay.

Somehow, the you I know is gone now. And you no longer give me that sense of security that you used to give me. The one that tells me you'd always be there, the one that tells me you're always on my side no matter what, the one I had fun with and probably felt the most comfortable with.

You're just .. gone.

I wish I'll find you again.

15 things.

1. I make lousy decisions.
2. I should stop feeling guilty about not treating others right. Because sometimes I don't feel treated right either.
3. I wanna cry.
4. I regret all decisions I've made in this year.
5. I'm getting emotional.
6. Public crying is embarrassing.
7. I've nobody to fall back on anymore.
8. Fuck myself.
9. I always screw up.
10. I wanna cry real badly now.
11. I should give up my life and let someone else have it.
12. I can't cherish.
13. I'm always unsatisfied.
14. Kill me please.
15. I've fucking damn bloody low self-esteem and need to be constantly reminded how I even made a difference at times.

Surge of anger and frustration

Today I was at Eggcite! at MJC's Science Fiesta. This was the Eggcite! team that I was with today. Overall our class did quite well and our darling little egg did not crack. Never thought it would be successful but oh well we're a mugger class aren't we? :)

Can't really say it was enjoyable today but somehow when I was like boiling mad today Dora kinda gave me a pat on the shoulder and I guess it comforted me quite a bit then somehow. I guess its cause I never expected him to be nice. But nonetheless it was a matter of seconds and he was back to his usual self. Teh was trying to comfort me as well but I guess we were all on the same boat so we were basically feeling the same kinda fucked up feeling. :/

Not that I'm already okay now, I ranted to Kaiting when I reached home because I was still like darn mad but just not that bad. I've like decided to forget this incident and let it all pass.

I really can't stand it. Its not like I don't wanna give them a chance, its not that I wanna exclude myself and its not that I'm doing all of this on purpose. I'm gonna tolerate all these shit and let everything rewind and take place again. If this shit happens again, I swear I'm not gonna be nice anymore.

Somehow I'm so glad for having sisterhood to back me up when shit like this happens.

Urgh really hate this shit.