imissyou.

Its amazing how after all the crap you've put me through, it only took 3 seconds to fall right back in love with you.

I'm sorry for putting you through all the crap.

I miss you. I just don't want to burden you any further. The guilt is killing me even if how I'm treating you isn't killing you. Leave me alone okay?

Thanks for being there all these while. Your LGMH.

best friend.

Maybe you're reading this, or maybe not.

I know you've been though tough times ever since me and Daryl are together.

You know what, you should just leave me alone now.

You should go.

Jaime's good, and I don't really wanna feel like this anymore.

But thanks for everything you've endured for so long, I know you've always wanted the best for me, sometimes even better than for yourself.

You deserve better, you should go.

Just go.

Goodbye, best friend.

I hope you'll stay that happy, I love you.

lonely.

I feel like I've lost my boyfriend. And my best friend. Maybe its because they abandoned me. :( I don't know, I freaking felt lonely today. And it felt like both of them didn't want to talk to me at all. And they were the most important.

Everybody asked me where's Daryl, and it sucks to tell them 'oh, he's already at home.' Urgh, how am I supposed to answer a question like 'huh I thought he always wait for you one.' Eh like wtf I know meh. :/

I walked from school all the way to montfort mac there to take bus. The way from the coffeeshop, not the back of the school. I still remember you pulling me along so ever quickly that we lost Jiahui and Franklin, telling me to trust you to get me there on time.

You know what, I did trust you. And I trusted you all these while. That's why I'm okay even if you haven't spent time with me in weeks.

Our 100hour rule? I think we should remove it, really. You need more time to yourself now, and I shouldn't force you. I don't like to force you.

I just want you to feel happy. All the time. :)

PS/Today Franklin(while sitting with Jiahui, Claudia and Yongsheng) laughed at me cause Daryl went home without me. I'm not talking to him ever again. I swear.

The way C&Y said bye to me made me feel so alone and pitiful somehow. o:

PPS/ Tmrw got Geog test but I going for tuition OH-EM-GEE.

procrastination, motivation.

I've got to work hard from now on. I always get motivated now and then but nothing gets done. I hope I'll get some work done somehow. O's are horrifyingly near.

I'm like fucking scared and freaking out.

And surfing the net.

Wow. :/

Less texts, less chats, less games, less computer, less lying on the bed, less slacking, less procrastination, less lazing around.

I need to get work done.

FAST.

I miss my bumblebee and hollowhead.

I'm so happy school's starting tmrw, I get to see everybodyyy! :D

(I still have 2 compos and 1 letter, but I decided to go to sleep. AND GEOG TEST. O: ! )

yum!

My house now has fucking sweet lychees that my aunt bought from Thailand. Sadly, its small. But the point is its as sweet as the can lychees! :D OMG. And its not syrup. Its soft too! (L)

I'm still considering if I should bring some to school. :) But they won't be cold by then.

And its kinda troublesome. I'll reconsider. :P

stalkers!

I only just know that I've stalkers. Looking at my tagboard, it seems like nobody reads and I've always treated this like my Diary. Yeah you can say I'm just talking to myself. Amazingly there're people out there reading! o: I think its cause I've an awesome boyfriend. Otherwise, I doubt people will read hahahahaha.

Okay I must be kidding myself or something. x:

Anyway, Idk whether to feel honoured, disgusted or scared. Somehow I feel honoured ley, but then again, they stalk me cause of my boyfriend! o: SO I GUESS I'M SCARED.

But on second thoughts, I still feel honoured. Nah, maybe I'm just neutral teeheeho. :)

On a lighter note, HI BUMBLEBEE! :D

I don't need an encouragement card. I only need you.

:D Swear I was disappointed by the first sentence, but then again, I like surprises. It brought a smile to my fat face, hahahaha. All the best tmrw bumblebumblebeeeeeeeeeeee.

Love you!

Ps/ If you want to give up on this friendship, you know I can't do anything. It takes two hands to clap. :( I'm sorry I'm so greedy.

I can't have the best of both worlds.

I'm sorry, I didn't know that I'll make you go through the worst chapter of your life again, when probably you had some hopes up. You comforted me, stayed with me till late, talked to me like 24/7, gave me encouragements and gave me advices when I was troubled.

Suddenly I rather you hate me, it'll make me feel much better actually. The more that you treat me nicely, I can't help it but feel guilty right? ): Like I've said before, I didn't know about all these, really. That's why I didn't consider as much then.

But then again, after I've learnt of it, I felt so bad, cause you've always been my friend, and not like some hypocrites or smth. I really treated you like one. To see you and feel awkward sucks. Really, you're really a great person.

Why can't things be the same? Why must it change. I don't want it to change. I don't like this exchange. I don't know why I can't have both, why must I lose one to gain another?

I want to be there for you like how you've been here for me. I want to reciprocate the goodwill. Why wouldn't you give me a chance? :/ I want you to feel like we're still friends despite every other thing.

I know how you felt all these months. Just for a little concern, message, anything. I know, I have that feeling all the time. It can't be taken away, but only by the person itself.

I'm sorry I can't lessen your burden. I'm sorry you've to go through this all over again.

I hope you'll stand up and study hard like how you wanted me to, cause at the end of the day, it might be all that matters.

I don't pity you. I don't want to be your friend so that I'll ease my own feelings. I don't want to make you think that you're making me feel sad or guilty. I don't want you to think that its your fault. It isn't. I want you to feel better. If you can't get him, I'll want to be part of the process where I get to make a difference in helping you get over it.

Trust me, I really want to be your friend from the bottom of my heart.

You've somehow crawled into my life and became a significant piece.

I hope you know what I'm saying. I hope that everything is really okay. I don't want to graduate like this.

I've had many failed friendships, of two you should know of by now. I can't do anything for that, I didn't know either. I regret, though till now I still don't know. I'm afraid I'll never know the cause behind those. But at least now I know. And I'm trying to change things.

I've lost two friends, I don't want to lose another.

Give me a chance.

Ps/ Claudia, I know you won't see this. But I want to tell you that what you did the other night really made me effing happy for some reason. I really thought I'd lost you just like that. Thanks so much, its probably the best message I can ever receive on a sad night. You wouldn't believe how many times I read all your messages, smiled and laughed.

Thank you. :)

(:

Life's great. I feel the sun and wind and I'm hungry.

I think I'm suffering from diarrhea cause I've went to the toilet like once every hour.

I need to eat or not I'll vomit soon.

I feel like vomiting already. And I think I need to shit soon.

I think I've stomach flu.

I think my only choice of food is maggie mee.

I think I need to go vomit/shit nao.

memories.

I didn't know the route back to my home from Hougang Mall had so many of our memories. The same route I walked, he ran. I walked it again and I can imagine everything going through my head. I went to Punggol Park, and I can see the first time we met up in the morning. I can see the sun shining so ever brightly, his friends, the soccer ball, their actions, him next to me, how I felt, how I looked like, everything. Everything went through my mind, I can even see the emptiness of the seat now.
I walked further down to the water area. I look at our seat and also where we sat along the waters. I can see myself sitting and the very edge and wriggling my toes to see if I can touch the surface of the water. But he held my hand and tried to pull me back, because he was so afraid I'd fall, so afraid that I'll just be gone like that, so afraid to lose me. We talked about the water bubbling and what scary things lived underneath. We talked, we laughed, in the day, in the night, with the sun, with the wind, with the heat, with the breeze. All of it, we've been there so many times, we talked about so many things and I believe it holds strong memories. I think I even cried there once. Then, he loved me fiercely. I loved him back too.

I walked the entire route today, from Hougang Mall to Punggol Park and home, throughout it all I teared numerous times. I didn't know it would impact me so greatly, I just thought I should walk home in the great weather since I was fat and sad. (It rhymes! o: ) I would have took the bus if I knew. I thought about so many things. I cried, sniffed, but nobody saw. :) That's the best part about walking alone. I think the flesh between my toes are raw now, I shouldn't have walked in slippers. :/
Its 12.25am now, to me this timing holds a special meaning.
Happy supposedly sixth month, I guess I'll still miss you all the same. :)

random

hellohellohello.

its over.

Its all over tonight, never was there a second chance.

The higher the hopes, the harder the fall.

I never thought this day would come. To tell you the truth, I thought we would last a hell of a long time. But it happened anyway. I realised that reading about other couples make me sad. I realised lying on the bed makes me sad. I realised that going to Facebook makes me sad. I realised that some friends make me sad. I realised that photos makes me sad. I realised videos make me sad. I realised almost everything makes me sad. Cause everything is interlinked. Isn't it?
I shouldn't be sad. I should've fucking got over this by now. Just honoured to be the first uh, and then it doesn't matter anymore. The way you told me you were honoured, the way you used to tell me you love me / miss me so excitedly, I just can't believe it doesn't exist anymore. The way you used to tried to surprise me, the way you tried to write notes neatly and draw pretty stuffs for me, they only last for like a few months. And then suddenly nothing about you matters to you anymore. Aye, fuck, I should stop talking about this. When I rant too much, I might start to cry. I've already promised myself not to. (:

I realised I enjoy ranting. I realised I love words. I realised I love to use chunks of words to express how I feel deep inside.
Maybe that's why I've yet to have depression.
I don't even dare to tell my parents how sad I've been these holidays. I don't want them to know that I've difficulty breathing because I've been so sad, I'd rather they think I'm suffering from anxiety. Which isn't true.

I've to get back up. I've to stop crying at nights. I've to start on my homework. I've to make people scold me. I've to make people leave me. I've to make people hate me. I've to try to stop hating myself. Then again, I've got to be alone. I should never have created relationships with people. Friendships, relationships, none. It all just makes me feel more sad. The fact that I look at myself and sometimes wonder what hit me so badly. I really don't feel like talking to anyone, I don't even feel like opening my mouth. I don't feel like eating. I need to lean on something. Something really comfortable. Now I'm left with my pillow and bolster to sleep with me. I'm sure they'll make great company. Its just that I should stop making them wet and make it so hard to sleep.

I should breathe harder. I don't want to die now.
I've to stop expecting people to do stuffs, I shouldn't expect my friends or even my best friend to care. Who cares. Stop caring. Then I'll be able to numb all the emotions I ever had. Then when someone does something for me maybe I'll feel really happy.

Maybe it'll take me months to smile from the bottom from my heart instead of just smiling/laughing before feeling like shit again.
Jiahui took 6months, I'm aiming for 3.

I'm gonna make it through.
Goodbye, thank you for being so heartless, it allowed me to make the decision better.
I love you, but the old one.

goodbye.

They always say its the hardest to say goodbye.






They're right.

POOH.

I look like pooh? :P
Truth is, I really want that kinda joy and that kinda friends.
That never leave no matter what.

I miss you.

Sometimes you go one big loop before you realise that what you want has always been simple; SECURITY.

Ryan's right, he's my inspiration nao. :D
Although I win him in finishing math hmwk!


I wish you said things that you really really mean from the bottom of your heart and not because you feel that you HAVE to say it. It defeats the purpose of saying it.
I miss the old you, the you that was so innocently simple that only knew one thing : to love me with all your heart even if you couldn't express it really well. :(
Maybe its really over.