where'd the trust go?

I know by seeing me and him hang out a lil' more makes you feel insecure, cause its like I had it better than you. Well, Im telling you now, I didn't. You had your friends by you when you needed them, and I didn't. At least to me, I didnt feel like I got a permanent one. Plus, now, we're just friends. If you think these are excuses and that everything was a lie, I can't do much.
Y'know, I really thought we were good friends, until I realised how insignificant I was to you before I let you go. You would NEVER tell me your secrets, how you were thinking and what was going on. But I told you everything about me and updated you all the time, didn't I? I know,
I was never a great friend in your eyes. But I really trusted you through it all, and I've never lied to you/tried hiding anything from you.
I wrote so much but everything disappeared, so I guess I'll just tell you this - you can be a great friend if you put your heart into it. I've seen how you do all the little little things just to brighten someone's day.
So continue to bring joy to others, cause its a gift you have that not many have. I wish I could bring joy too, but that isn't the point.
I hope you'll cherish those around you more, cause you know the pain of losing one. And you can stop all the assumptions now, cause Im telling you now that its not true.
Im sorry I made you feel like I stole someone so dear to you, but i've felt this too many times before. Nonetheless, I still owe you an apology though it might not make sense because so many things happened and I no longer keep his heart.

I just hope sometimes you'll believe/trust me like how I did to you, and that I didn't betray you or any of that sort.
I hope you'll be happy and get your life back, cause Im sure you've amazing friends. :)
But, im trying to get my life back too - I guess everything takes time.
Ps/ im always just a text/phone call away if you ever need me. All the best to you in whatever you do. And I really do wish you'll believe in friendships more even if it isnt ours cause I know I havent been a great friend since secondary school started.
:/

joy.

I typed a whole lot of chunk but everything just disappeareddd. :(
I just wanna tell you that I take everything you said seriously even if you dont mean it. And every night i wait for what I got yesterday until Im convinced that you're asleep and that I wont get what I wanttt. :)

Nonetheless, Im freaking happy and yesterday and today are probably the best days ever for the recent month. :) And I love the way we communicate in school cause its better than nothing. And its not awkward, weird or like avoiding. :D
I dont wanna use this word but Im FUCKING HAPPY today and yesterday. Yay everything!
Although Im tired like crap I still retyped everything cause everything is worth it whooo! (L) Life rocks more nao. :D

Ps/ I feel like a saviour today too! :D

hopelessness.

I know i screwed up again. Im fully aware how you hate me now. But i just hope that when you see this, you'll trust me once more.
Dont tell me there's no point, dont tell me you dont trust me anymore, dont remind me again how we're over.
I just want you to know I didnt go around to defame you at all. And your friends are still your friends, I didnt steal them. Just so you know.

Once again, im sorry i screwed up your life again when I hoped that you could be happy today. I just want us to at least be friends and things not to be awkward between us. If telling everybody how im a slut/fake/bitch makes you happier, I REALLY dont mind. This I can swear to you.
From the bottom of my heart, I want you to get your life back and mug well.

Go ahead and hate me if it makes you feel better. I'll leave you alone like how you want me to, cause I know the sight of me/my name irks you a hell lot.
Just promise me to be happy like how you told me you were. And dont break it.

Ps/ I wish someday you wouldn't accuse me and listen to what I have to say. I've so much to tell you. :(

everlasting memories.

I feel so stupid every sunday because I take the effort to walk past kfc all the time and scan the whole place just hoping i'll see you there doing your work. And see your face light up when you see me, and see how you've written a random note for me sometimes.
I miss seeing your pink foolscap and complaining how ugly i think your handwriting is, before writing you a note to make you happier while showing off my handwriting to you at the same time hahahaha. :D
I miss whining cause i wanna eat cheese fries while im already very fat, and how you just take out the money to let me buy the cheese fries while complaining how broke you are. I miss how you force me to buy a meal for you cause you were like damn scared, then i just kope your fries like free for service charge. Then you'll give me that face when there're only left a few, heh heh :D But nonetheless, you'll always give me the best/last ones to make me happy/fat. Then i'll probably reject you and you'll give me the damn sad face again and say "wahlao you reject me" and pout, before stuffing the food into your mouth.
But you never realise that I rejected you so many times because i wanted you to have the best for yourself, and seeing you pout makes me feel that you're like freaking cute and my so-called sacrifice was worth it. Hahahaha.

You also told me you didnt dare to break up with me on april fools' day cause you were afraid it will come true. At that time, i really felt you were gonna be there forever until i broke up with you.
Turned out to be the opposite, but I guess my heart's still waiting for some miracle somehow.
But well, life was that great. :)

I still smile when i think of us. But now that we're over, i just hope that what you take away arent the painful ones but the beautiful ones. :( im sorry.

seventh month.

Today was supposedly a happy day for me. To say that im not affected by the date would definitely be a lie. To say that im not sad would be another. Lastly, to say that i didnt cry and my heart didnt feel a thousand stabs would be a freaking big fat lie. (like how you called me a big fat liar, well, i probably am.)
Nonetheless, im still alive and kicking. And waking up every morning with you being the first thought like how it has been for the past seven months hurts too. I know i should have gotten over this. But i've got to be stronger i guess. Though i've lost all the friends i used to have, i probably gained a few texting buddies. :) Blogging and facebooking never fails to say what i really feel deep down; something that might be deepest secret.
Though everybody will see this, but to me, only i am seeing this. And whoever does see this is entitled to, because for whatever reason you come here for (to laugh, to pity or to show some concern) i'll update you no matter what.
No matter who asks me about anything, i'll tell. Because to me, nobody holds a higher rank anymore. Everybody that did left. Whatever the reason is, if you care enough to ask, i care enough to tell.

I've a hunch today wont be a great day, but im sure i'll make it through. All my relatives are going back to their own countries today and i've tuition. Best of all, i need to start mugging.


I admired our homecoming picture today, i just wished i looked prettier then. I wished i smiled as happily as you did. Cause all i want to do now is cry.
But, i hope you're still smiling like how you did in the picture, cause to me, you've always been smiling even without me. To tell you the truth, i couldnt wait for the day we could stay under the same roof then. I already had it all planned in my mind how my life would be.
But now, I just really wish i'll see that macdonalds laugh of yours more often. I wish i'll stop hurting so badly. I wish it was really seventh month for us.

Claudia, im still waiting. :(

:)

I need more smiles in place of tears.

life failed.

night to day was supposedly a success and im glad it made me realise things more now.
I shouldnt hold on to things that arent mine, and yesterday, i realised that nothing in xinmin belonged to me.

Even the people inside didnt. None did.
I think that i most probably wont be going for grad night.
I doubt people would realise that i exist anyway.

Feeling really insignificant and emotional now. :(
I feel like shit for not being able to be strong and insensitive.

Nonetheless, im glad i didnt feel hated yesterday. Its just that i felt that i didnt exist, that's all. Maybe thats a good news.

You said you were guilty for not being there when im so sad. Now im still fucking sad and i need you a hell lot. But you've others now. I see how they've so successfully replaced me in your heart. I know this is my retribution, i wont complain much. Im just glad you're happy with them, cause they can give you the joy that i cant now. Because i need so much of joy now too.

n2dII.

night to day today. Got so many things to bring to school.
I realised sleeping takes away the pain. But first you've to get yourself to sleep. And waking up is easy. Cause once you wake up a little though still feeling tired, the pain hits you and you cant sleep. So you get up. :)

I've got weird sleeping times nao.
Anyway, hope today will be fun. But i doubt running when im sick is fun. I hope my daddy/mummy wont realise that im running 5km. I hope i wont come home getting more sick. Oops.

And my study timetable is screwed, i barely followed it.
Thus, you can say my prelims are screwed.

But im proud of myself of restraining not to text/call him for a day yesterdayyyy!! :D must.continueee.

ronniethcow!

Hahahaha i cant believe this. :D
I was sleeping this evening to help me stop thinking so much and apparently supposed to have my dinner on my own or with my brother. Amazingly today he contacted me for dinner but my phone was charging and i was sleeping. He called my phone for 6 times and rhe house phone also. But apparently i was so tired i didnt hear anything.
After eating with his friend, he was going to go to the reading room but decided to come home to check on me first cause he thought i killed myself hahahahahaha.
Omg lah, then he shook me. I didnt respond. He shook me again before i made some noise and moved my arm. He immediately went out and told his friend i was alive. -.- hahahaha i cant believe this. :)

Apparently his friend told him that he had a friend was listening to music and doing his hmwk before the dad had a heart attack in the other room and died. The mum, who was out at first, came home and realised it. The boy didnt know till then, and has ever since regretted how he never checked on his dad.

So my brother checked on me.

I still remember how i almost died when i was born. My dad saved me with a $1,777 injection that expanded my underdeveloped lungs then. About $10,000 was spent on my incubation too. I guess i was an expensive kid. :) oh, and the money then had a larger value.

I know i've had it all in my life and how i always escape every accident with a close shave.
Today, geokmin asked me what if she was the one in the car that the tree fell on(in the newspaper) and asked if we would cry for her if she died.

She didnt know i had the same question in my mind everyday.
She didnt know how much i needed someone to tell me that I am making a huge difference in their lives.
she didnt know how much i needed someone to tell me that i mean something to them.
She didnt know how insignificant i feel everyday of my life.
She didnt know, how alone i am now.

Nobody really understands how it feels to have your life flipped and realise that you're facing this world alone.
Its so hard sometimes.
The worst thing is, im supposed to be studying. Yet nothing gets in.
And im so tired i cant sleep, so hungry i cant eat, and i feel so sick that i think im not making sense.

AWESOMEEE!! Idk what im talking about. :D

brainwashing.

i need some brainwashing damn desperately.
Everybody was there to tell me how lucky i was to have him, how he was a nice guy and how he's better than this this that that.
Yet now all the this this that that have proven to me that they were better than him.

I dont know why i cant even hold an evil thought of him, everything beautiful about him keeps coming to haunt me. I wish someone will start brainwashing me about how he sucks or help me get over him. Idk why when somebody says smth bad about him its my natural instinct is to stand up for him like how i stood up for charlotte in the past.
Even my heart is going against my mind. My mind has to be stronger now. :(

I need help. Im trying my best to restrain myself already.

pathetic.

i find myself so pathetic. But i will try my best to get away from this evil of pain that's sucking me in so badly.
He told me he doesnt love me anymore, and he'll never come back. He told me that i hurt him very badly. He told me that nothing i do will change anything.
I realised that everything guys promise you at the start are always lies. But the only thing im sad about the most is all he remembers about me is how i hurt him, yet all i can remember is everything great we had together.
I feel so fucking stupid and pathetic that i cant even convince myself that he's a jerk. He's using this breakup to take revenge on how i hurt him. :(
At least i was there to try to make it better even if i failed, but you arent even here to try. I must be stronger. Cause you're no longer here to protect me, im alone now.

ClaudiaChua, i've got so much i wanna tell you now, i dont know why. I know we dont know each other, but somehow i really really wish you were here. And im sorry i let you down, cause i didnt mean to hurt someone dear to you so much. Im sorry i couldnt make him happy like how i know you would want him to be. Im really sorry. You guys went through so much more, i just feel like im like some extra party in this whole thing. And worse, i screwed up my own life in the process too. I wish you'll enlighten me soon. Give me a dream. And hopefully, i'll get to visit you real soon. :(

shampoo!

i just bought my orange flavoured shampoo again! So glad i didnt forget. :) I know you love orange and the smell of my hair, so im never gonna change shampoo. Heh heh.

Today wanted go play soccer then weepin almost ram the ball into my face. Im so glad for my fast reaction or i'll have a disfigured face alreadyyy. But it still hit my finger but at least not face. :D

Tmrw's geog and chem test like omg. Totally turned off. Idk if studying, must see my mood leyyy.

Ohwell, i hope this post is happy enough. I hope i dont sound like a hypocriteee. :( i hope this post doesnt look fake. It doesnt right?


Ps/ im sorry i hurt you so badly. Maybe that's why im hurting so badly now.

fiveee.

just making the fifth post for the day makes me feel that everything's complete ; that i dont owe anything else, and im free to go.
Idk, but i feel that im so good at ranting.
Cause im hiding behind a screen where no one really knows what's going on. :)

:D :D :D :D :D
With that, assume im laughing and smiling my ass off.
Goodbye!!

everything's giving up on me.

i went to bathe, wet myself and wanted to wash my hair before i realised my shampoo was empty. After trying to tell my mother i've no more shampoo, i came out of the bathing cubicle, freezing, to get substitute hotel shampoos.
Not long after did i realise i ran out of shower gel too. And my brother claims it cause i didnt refill it. Wow. :/

1. Prelims are coming and i cant even absorb anything.
2. I always freeze when people are complaining how hot it is.
3. You're really being heartless. Your mum's wrong, we can't even be friends.
4. I feel fucking tired with dark eye circles but i can't even have a good sleep.
5. My eyelids are closing.
6. I always drag myself to shower.
7. I can't feel secure anytime of the day.
8. I keep getting scolded and nobody is satisfied with me.
9. I've no proper place to cry that i've to supress my tears all the time and controlling your tears is so bloody hard.
10. I updated my blog 4 times within a short time.
11. I wish claudia didn't die. Maybe even if everything still happens, at least you wouldn't be so heartless.
12. I still believe in the positive image of you.
13. I still want you to come back. I hope I'll have your heart again.
14. I wish everything's back to how it was, that i have my friends and my significant other.
15. I realised that i've nobody. Everybody just come and go. I kinda think i deserve it.

All in all, i wish i'll just disappear, to bring misery away and to fill it with colours.
Even if you're colourblind, i want you to see everything beautiful that i ruined.

I just havent figured out how to disappear yet. :/

india?

the india buddies will be coming over soon, i dont know what to expect.
But i was only looking forward to show all of them that we're together. To show you off to everyone else. And how good we were together.

I still remember how i kept asking you to wash tweety bird just to hear to say you would never wash it because it had my smell on it.
And you need that to feel secure and go to sleep.

I remember how you would never let me go, wrap your arms around me so tightly but keep waking up to check im still in your arms even when you were dead tired. Yet now its just the other way round.

I miss you and your smell alot. I can smell it now, somehow. But every memory just makes me heart ache more.
Everytime i get a miss call/message, i've never stopped hoping that it was you coming back. Though its impossible now. Now, its like I cant breathe.

You took every part of me away with you. And you wont give me my heart back.

chicken.

I love to eat white chicken as compared to roasted chicken. I came home to a hell lot of white chicken, yet all i wanted to do was cry.
But my parents said i didnt tell them i wasnt eating and were kinda pissed off and kinda started scolding me.
So i started eating the chicken, but yet the chicken tasted bland, and tasted kinda like solid water instead.
I've never tasted such horrible food.
In some point of eating it, it also tasted bitter/sour. I dont know if those were the tears i was pressing down, but im glad nobody saw.
Thing is, im fucking full now cause i stuffed all the tasteless chicken into my mouth but i feel like vomiting all out. I hope i dont, my parents will definitely hear it. :(
Im sorry chicken, i wasted your sacrifice of dying.




If i died, would you hold my hand again?
Would i get a hug?
Would you explain what actually went wrong, and what's going on?
I hope the answer is yes.

At least, i'll know how i screwed up.

rain.

i've never been so glad to walk in a dark and rainy night.
I cant believe i embarassed myself in the public. Im so glad for my fringe.
Sorry i keep making people around me sad.
Its just even at that bus stop reminds me how i was crying at the drain when he pulled me into arms and lent me his chest to cry on.
It didnt matter how wet i made it, or that many people were looking. he just wanted me to be happy, and to feel okay.
Now, i just want a talk with you. And better still, a shoulder/chest to cry on for at least the last time.
But i know your answer will be no.

So i just hope you'll be happier, even if that means i'll only see that smile When you look at her.

silence is golden.

i cant believe even i'll come to a day where i have to cry so silently, so that you wouldnt know how hard im crying.

dumb.

i know nothing's gonna be the same anymore, my life wont be.
Now i feel so sensitive, so sad, so withdrawn and a typical loner.
All you've done for your other girls have been great. Looking at you makes me feel mixed, getting your message or your phone call makes me elated.
Yet, not eating cause of you, being drowned in misery and loneliness just makes me feel justified.
Cause you make me feel i deserve it for screwing up your life, making you so annoyed when you even see my message or call, making you feel so negative.
I'll never mean the same anymore. I know i should leave you alone and take this on my own, but i just want you to know my heart still yearns for you no matter how badly you've tried to treat me.

I still love you, even if you dont feel the same way anymoreee. Even hearing you cough makes my heart ache enough. I dont wanna see you in pain.
Please, just takecare.

just so you know.

i seriously dont have anybody now, i dont know why you dont believe me and you're forcing me to this extent thay i cant take it anymore.
Somebody kill me please, if you hate me, kill me. I've ready weapons in my pencilcase alrrrrr.
I just dont want to go through this.
Especially alone.
I dont feel like going school nor staying at home, idk what to do now.

Im sorry if you think i keep threatening you, but actually deep down inside, i just want a little concern.
But even deeper down, maybe you'll see that im already dead.
Maybe i'll die soon. My instincts are getting similar now.
I just wish that at least, i could cry on your shoulder.

miracles.

i've always believed in miracles. And i'll keep waiting for one to happen.
But for now, i really dont know how i'll last through these months without anyone.

Now, i'm waiting for the miracle that will take place in two months.
I just hope it doesnt affect my grades.

life's like this.

I wouldnt dare say i've gone throught a lot, but i dare say i was silly enough to want to kill myself.
But now, life's better although not like before, it still does kill me to see you with her.
But its okay, because im willing to wait to the end to see what this relationship has to offer in the end. I know love's cruel, but somehow, i i wish i'll be proven wrong.
Though im much lonelier now, its time i saw what friends had to offer when i've nothing in return. A word or two maybe, but maybe only a few will stand by me and somewhat offer me the best comfort at least for that night.
I should start studying for prelims now and stop comparing witH others cause at the end of the day, we've different in strength and weaknesses, in our aims and goals in life.
But if you ever wanna work hard with me, i'm always here when you need me though i haven't been there for you when you were at your worst.

I will work hard, and i'll always wait for you to come back to me no matter how long that'll take you. :)

bitterness.

Everything was a lie. Everything you told me was a lie. Everything you promised was a lie. Everything was just to pamper me, to make me love you back before you just dump me. I wish you'll just be here when I need you the most.

I don't know if the love was a lie too.

If you lose feelings so fast, it isn't true love, right?

But now, we can't even be friends.

I know many people care, but its only you that probably make a difference.

Everybody come with their concern, drop some comments and leave, thinking "at least I tried". Everyone told me they'll be there for me, but yet I still feel so lonely. Its like they just tell me to make themselves feel better.

Because I'm still alone. Because nobody's really there. Because everybody has their own lives. Because I'm still an outcast. Because I'm still a loner.

Because.

I don't deserve anything/anyone.

Most of all, I didn't deserve love.

Maybe its just me. Maybe I'm pushing everyone away. I just don't want people to go through the same as me. I don't want to make more people sad already.

I've done enough.

BFFs.

I miss my BFF and my BFF.

Supposedly my best friend and my boyfriend. :(

LIFE SUCKS, FML. D:

I should stop envying others, cause there's no going back.

:(

Winglun:

"Breaking up, yes, you lose your partner, but then again, looking on the brighter side, you once had him, you once experienced what many couldn't. You're much more fortunate than others."

He's right, I should let him go. Holding on to him just makes him more miserable, and that was something I didn't want from the start.

But I can't let go. :(

I promise I'll try.

love isn't real.

"After everything, I just like no feel lor."

Thanks for the honesty, but its killing me more than you think.

It never occurred to me that you'll break a promise you sincerely made in the beginning.

You should start keeping your promises, cause I still hang on to every one of it.

I guess I'll always be waiting.

Please don't break another heart.

If my secondary school life doesn't work out, I'll never believe in love/friendship again. I've gone through too many failed relationships with people, and all the pain keeps me awake at night.

Maybe I should start seeing a psychiatrist, maybe the doctor's right, maybe I AM unknowingly suffering from depression.

I hope not.

RIP.

I realised I cry too much. I realised the last time I ate was like around 2pm yesterday. I realised I don't really get hungry. I realised I can try seeing how long a person can last without food. :B TEEHEEHO. :D

The best thing ever is, I lost 2kg. :) wheee, probably the best thing ever. I see how long a human can last without food! :D

But I need to drink water since I cry too much. :)

I need to visit Claudia someday. Probably all the girls that was with you feels the same as me. Maybe she'll enlighten me. Maybe she did take the best way out.

I'll think about it. :)

flu.

Every inch of my body hurts. Even picking up my phone hurts. You can imagine how much it hurts typing. :/

Can't believe walking/straightening my back would hurt too. :(

EVERY INCH HURTS.

Its killing me.

Even my headache is, I hate headaches.

Kevin, if you're reading this, I hope you regret punching me six times the other day and twice today. I HOPE YOU REGRET. I can't tell you how much it hurt. You show no mercy even to girls. :( You always punch my bone, it fucking hurts I tell you. Stop using punching me, I didn't even offend you lah! AND ITS FREAKING HARD.

dear diary ;

You're the only "person" that'll listen to me rant so much now.

I realised life really sucks. I realised I've nobody to rant to and there's never someone that can make the pain go away. I'll laugh, I'll smile, but the pain within is always piercing me so hard sometimes I can't breathe.

I really wanna say things to these people, but I'll never say it to their face, so I'll say in here in case I'll never get the chance. But if they never read it I hope that someday they will.

Avan: Thanks for helping me these few days, I'm sorry if I made you kana. I hope I don't make you sad like how I've made the others. Do feel free to dao me anytime, but tell me okay? So I won't expect a reply and feel sad k! You don't sad lah. You damn random one loh, but at least you try anyhow. Thanks ah.

Charlotte: I'm glad you're with Jaime now, she's definitely a much better friend than I was. Hopefully you guys will be best friends for a long time, and once again, I'm sorry for everything I did to you and how badly I made you feel. Just to let you know it kills me to have known you suffer. If you don't believe, I can't do much, but I hope you'll always be happy-go-lucky. If you felt I attitude you today, I'm sorry, I probably wasn't feeling great myself, I didn't mean to vent it on you. I miss you a hell lot more than the 50 you said, I can probably name you a hundred. But anyhow, all the best for your O's and hopefully you'll get into the school you want, whether DSA or not, okay? You've been a great best friend, really. Thanks for standing with me through everything and all the shit.

Daryl: I hope you're happy with your life now, I bet it feels much better without someone bugging you. But I realised I'm used to bugging you already so it kind of feels weird. I'm sorry for all the crying, I'm glad you don't have to listen to it anymore. I hope you'll be happy hanging out with S, cause afterall she probably liked you and you'll stand a great chance of you're thinking of anything. I don't think we want to be friends, despite what your mother said. Afterall, at the end of the day, I just want you to be happy. I'm sorry I couldn't give you any, I hope S will. And I know all your friends will too. All the best for your N level k, don't give up and study hard. I wish you all the best k. Oh, and if your mother tells you anything about me, don't care lah k, I don't want to demoralise you any further. The book's the only memory I have of us, please take good care of it though it doesn't say much, but the first few pages are really ideal. If you don't want it, don't throw it away, okay? I won't bother you any further, be happy! Then again, thank you for everything you've done to me, you really did make me happy. I love you.

Minnie: I hope you're living your life well, I'm sorry I brought much hatred within you. Hate me if you want to, maybe I really deserve it. Nonetheless, I hope you're happy and everything's well for you. I'm glad Sydney's a good best friend.

Ryan: I don't know what happened, but you don't want to talk to me (thanks for telling me) and this time round I won't ask why. I just want you to know that you've always been my pillar of support and I thought I could depend on you somehow. But you've your own stuffs and I intrude too much I guess. I'm sorry if I made you this way/made you sad, I didn't mean to. I don't know what I did, but I really hope you can cheer up, you're like one of the happiest person 24/7 I've seen so far. It felt like nothing could bring you down. But then again, I'm sorry I couldn't be of any help to you. I hope you'll be happier, cheer up. You're the best secretary/entertainer ever before anything happened. Sorry k.

Wanyi: I know you've been kinda close to me now, you're like my only friend left. I'm sorry I keep reminding you of your memories of Daryl and how everything fell apart. I'm really apologetic okay. I know you always try to help me and I realise we feel really alike. Committing suicide/hurting yourself, I thought about it and perhaps tried it. It doesn't work. I don't want to see you cry, I don't want to see you hurt yourself, I don't want you to be in the pain I am in now. I'm sure you don't want to see Daryl cry for you when he sees you - lifeless. I'm sure not. I'm sure you just want him to regret, I'm sure you just want him to give you the slightest concern. I perhaps did too, but now that he can live so well, I should too, and so should you. I'm sorry I always ruin your study timetable, I really can't bring myself to study. Its like my heart feels like exploding any moment. It beats so hard and tears flow like free. I know you've felt the same way. I know how it kills. But he was my first, I'm probably not able to let go as fast as you. If you take one year, I'll take two. I don't know. I feel like sleeping peacefully and never wake up too, but life's never like that okay. I ain't got any friends too, but I'll just live, its great being a loner too y'know. Well, sometimes. Remember I'll always be here for you, and don't do foolish stuffs, okay? All the best for your N levels, study really really hard and keep to your timetable okay? Jiayou.

I.Should.Stop.Crying.

Diary, I wish you would come alive and comfort me now. I've never felt like this in my entire life, it feels like I'm dying. I want to stop imagining my dead body anywhere.

I thought my family will be there for me, but I realised not. I'm alone now.

I need more tissue. :(

I just want to dig a hole and hide myself. I just need a change of heart. I just need to clear my memories. I just want to redo my life.

But I'll do it all over again if it made you happy.

heartbreak.

I'm feeling like fucking sad right nao.

There're like a thousand things bringing me down when I'm already trying my best to be happy.

I don't know how long I'll last.

I picked up my phone hoping I can pour my woes to someone when I suddenly realised everybody left me. They all have their own lives now, I should stop intruding.

Maybe I'll really get into a car accident.

I hope I don't die though. I still wanna see who'll be there hoping I'm alive.

wanyi x;

zanellelee.

stay happen whatever anything happen okayyyyyyyyyyy :D

:DDDDD remember friends will always be with you.

Okay!

hollowhead.

Only yesterday did I realise how far we are apart. You used to reply every single one of my texts even if it means we've to say goodnight 5 times. You used to put me in priority in whatever situation. You used to always suit me. You never rejected me. (other than some special circumstances.) But I've been feeling rejected alot lately, and that strange chemistry between us is gone. Suddenly, its so awkward between us.

You're not the same you. Not high and funny and random and retarded.

You changed.

But I'm still sorry that I didn't spare a thought for you all these while. But I've to tell you that you've done many many little things that made me really touched, made my heart ache and made me tear.

I'm hesitant about whether to just join in or leave you with who you really wanna be with. I think I'll prefer the latter.

Afterall, I'm no longer that important/significant to you, you can live your life much better without me. I'm sorry I'll have to keep pushing you away, maybe you should just ignore me okay?

Leave me alone.

Its better that I don't bother you and you stop making me hold on to you.

Because I really had a hard time letting you go in the first place. :(

Ps/Thanks for everything and all the memories. :)

friends aren't strangers.

I told you everything about me, but I only realised today that you haven't told me anything about you.

will i lose two?

Two people had significant impact on my lives.

I've lost one, I feel like I'm on the verge of losing another really soon.

Feeling so ever insecure. :(

I can't bring myself to do any work.

:(

I asked bumblebee if I died, how long would he take to get over me.

He said "1 sec."

I damn sad nao. :(

(I asked him if he means it a lot of times and he said yes.)

He everytime don't want reply me even when I spam him.

I've to wait for like hours loh, going to days alr lah.

k lah I desperate.

Wait till I don't care you sure regret to the max. >:(

I'm sorry I'm not going to the movies with you/you guys. I hope you're happy with your best friends. I just can't get over what you said to me the other night just when I thought everything will be back to how it was.

Sorry, I guess we should just say goodbye.

You were wrong, he's more important than me.

rainy.

Whee, its raining nao! How cold. Kaleidoscope later, still have no idea what to wear. Yeah go ahead and laugh at me for not having many clothes. :/

Gee, I realised I'm getting anti-social. (nolink.) I think Daryl influenced me. Now he's sociable and I'm not. We switched. o:

Best friend, you'll always still hold the rank you've always had. I know things have changed and it can't go back. I'm glad you found new best friends. :) I'll always be here for you if you need me.

OHOH, grats for getting into MJ!

I realised that its quite enjoyable to be a loner. :D Cause when you don't expect anything from anyone and you get something, you feel joy. :)

I love manymanymany words and lots of rants cause then nobody'll be interested in reading, teeheeho. :D

hatred.

I wanna explain to you so many things, and I've so many things to tell you. But the trust's gone, you've already said its over. Whatever I say will just turn into dust, so I'll forget it. :)

You shouldn't ask if you can't trust.

Your hatred is too strong, I've tried to ease it for two years but failed. So I'll give up now, since that makes you happier/easier to live with.

But I still will use it, until I get a new one, sorry if it does make you upset.

Goodbye.

I miss you best friend. And I still love you all the same. :) Thanks for always being there for me, you're the best. (L) And don't think that you're not important lah k, you always understand me best! Love our long chats. :D Oh, and thanks for all the comfort.

Wanyi/Ryan, thanks to you guys too, even if you don't read this. :D You guys have been great and been there for me no matter what. Flower for you! (F)

i've been through this.

You can say whatever you want, my conscience is clear. Believe it or not, its up to you.