the sun never rises from the west.

I can't believe my life turned out this way anyway.

Just leave if you want to.

Leave, like how everybody did.

Because even if you came back you won't be the same anymore.

You know it wouldn't, and you're just proving it to me now.

treats! ^^v

Today's chinese was okay cause at least I can read more words than the previous exam o: And I can finally finish without chionging my summary! :) I still got alot free time. :D Anyway I realised everybody thinks I'm from express chinese loh. I think my chinese really cui. :( The two chinese language basic today machiam kana suan ttm damn funny lah. ^^

I like the book 'Keeping Faith' lah wahlao. :( Nah charlotte I not blaming you, I'm just whining. :D

Hello desperate, if you're ever reading this, please remember you owe me a new york new york treat whereby I can order as much food as I want. In addition, you also owe me a bag that can be as expensive as I want it to be as long as I can 2As for my prelim!! ^^v ! This bet cannot back out one sorry. :) But rest assured I doubt I'll get 2As, but at least its worth hoping for!! :D heeheez.

Ps/ I think my SNK level still damn high loh! And you ARE shy, just acting like you're not niaz. ^^

cute ^^v

Hahaha omg my brother's girlfriend damn cute ^^v ! It feels as though I've got a sister-in-law already teeheeho. :)
My parents go fetch my brother from school (with me in the car too), then we wait damn long until I want to slap him already. When he finally emerge I go ask him who he study with. Immediately can tell he quite guilty. Then I jitao see the girlfriend walk out with the super duper guilty face and I can't help but keep laughing.

Then she smile at me until my parents abit suspect then my brother say cause my friend know her so she was smiling at me and not him. Zzz, totally epic and fail. Though he did admit they know each other hahaha. :D

After that, we were talking about her inthe car the cannot say her or not parents sure will kaypoh or suspect so become him. Then cannot help it keep will say 'she' or 'her' then will gg. :D
Now my brother ask me to tell her he loves her but cannot say loud so he say 'tell her i'm gay!' LOL damn epic. I realised my brother's not bad a boyfriend! Tsk, totally got my genes one lor. ^^v ! :D

Lucky I got unlimited sms and my brother doesn't, or not I won't be having so much fun. :)

cause i'm always here for you.

and you aren't.

Because I'll do anything to change to suit you so much so I'm starting to feel like a dog. I will stop this asap, don't you worry.

我相信雨后一定会有晴天，会有五颜六色的彩虹。

kites.

Life's like a kite.
To let a kite fly higher, you've to know when to pull, and when to let go.

Pulling it when its time to let go won't make it any higher.

Its just like holding on to something that has changed or left, you know you should let go. Because holding on to it doesn't make you happier. Its letting go that's hard. But once you do, maybe you'll find happiness. :)

I hope you'll get it someday, even if you dont now. And I know you wont ever believe if I told you that your existence in this complication affects my decisions though it never should. :/


^^
At least I found someone that knows me well. 因为在这个世界里，很难找到知心的朋友。有些人可能一生都不会找到。I feel fortunate I guess. :)

ulcers! o:

I used to hate ulcers. In fact, I still do.
The difference is I never dared to put salt on it, EVER. I remember I used to cry when salt was put on my ulcer when I was much younger. I would probably cry until my face turns red with all my tears dripping like it was free.

Yesterday, I finally mustered the courage to put salt on my ulcer. I didn't cry. In fact, the acute pain made me feel damn shiok. My mother says I've symptoms of self abuse. :) I think she doesn't understand.

Today, I put salt on my ulcer again. But today, it started bleeding really hard. Looking at the blood soak all the salt, I felt accomplished and happy despite it hurting very very badly.

I can't wait to put salt on my ulcer again. :) Even my brother says the pain damn shiok.
Hahaha, no wonder we're siblings! :D

Suddenly, I feel like I damn pervertic teehee. And disgusting/sadist/emo. But I'm not. ^^ I think putting salt on my ulcer is like a new hobby hahahahaha.
But it still hurts. :(

Nonetheless, at least I finally have smth in common with my brother! (Y) Yayness.

true love never dies.

When someone matters to you, you'll realise that the memories you have together never fail to make you smile to yourself, no matter where you are.

True love doesn't die. (L)

If it dies/fades, then it isn't the love you're looking for. :)

I just don't know how to feel, because you're the only one that is able to make me laugh so hard and cry so hard. I feel like I'm in a puzzle/maze that I keep making U-turns no matter how many times I tell myself never to look back again and that it would be the last straw.

I wish you're always here to eat up my tears everytime I cry. (Y) :)

mood swings.

Today's supposed to be the most joyous day of the month.

Yet all I want to do is cry. :(

I realised I have severe mood swings because life doesn't go the way I want it to. It never does. I think I'm getting too sensitive nowadays. D:

laughing tears.

I feel like a fool now crying and laughing at the same time. My face wants to laugh so badly but my heart wants to cry fiercely. So I'm laughing with tears. :D I look at myself in the mirror and I look like a retard. ^^

Its only days like this that I realise how lonely and pathetic I've become.

Happy 8th. :)

up and down, smiles and tears.

Omg hahaha its been so long I even typed on the computer. Amazingly I haven't lost my typing skills teeheeho. And finally I can type with colours like orange! :D YIPEE.

At least I won't get disconnected when I typed a whole chunk and retype it causing me to lose my sleep. :(

Anyway my main point is I very happy so far for my history ss geog and bio because I anyhow skim through only and I can do the paper! :D Although not really, but at least can do very happy already okay. But I think I'll screw Chem and A.math tmrw cause I really damn slack hahahaha. ^^

Anyway I must aim for more As so that I can get the $80 bag I want lah. :( Make me sad only. I hope my eyebags and dark eye circles will disappear after prelims! :D

Point is, I need to start mugging harder.

AND BEST FRIEND I LOVE YOU LAH HAPPY! You everyday Mimo one lor still always demand for my love. :( Wahlao I not your substitute/靠山 okay!! :@ Anyway I think you really will become lesbian hahahaha! :o Sorry I not purposely wanna expose you one teeheehaeho. :D

Ps/ I wonder if tomorrow will be anything different from any other day of a month, though to be it always is. :)

W: I know how it feels like to be you, but somehow, I wish I ain't stuck in this thing together with you, because you're my friend, and I don't like how everything hurts you all over again like how it did to me. But I've to tell you this; you shouldn't think about replacing anyone, or being important in any way. Really, because I've tried, and it made me really miserable. Its like clinging on to something that has left. I just don't want our friendship to be like this. I want it to be like it the past, and not him that connects us together. I don't want to feel like I'm your rival, nor do I want to feel as if I'm always constantly hurting you someway or another, okay? When you're happy, make sure the joy's from within. Take time, because you know you're strong, at least stronger than me. Alright? I know I've no rights to tell you anything because I took the same path, but even my situation with him somewhat brings me through life to strive for things I've never even tried. Like getting good results. At least I study more than before now. Even a little bit's good. And I'm glad you're getting through life well, cause I'll be here if you need me. :)

cause you're hot and you're cold.

The fact that you've such a weird personality, you make my heart lose directions. You hurt me so deep, yet make me love you so deep too. I think I hate myself for that. :(
But its still a natural instinct to give up everything to make you happy, at least with me.

Thank you for everything today. I still prefer the small and cute little version that I can play with than the huge one that you like to force me with. :D Teeheeho. (L)

Ps/ I still own at air hockey and Graffiti ball game. You lousy lah. :) I totally own, thank you thank you.
Pps/ I think someone will miss me while reading this post cause its the 111st post! :D And I keep seeing the time 11.11 and 1.11. I'm sure alot people miss me one loh hahahaha. Yay! (Y) :D

Hollowhead, Cheer up. I know we became very distant, so how I used to make you laugh doesn't work anymore. Its as though I dont understand/know you well anymore, but I still want you to be the happy go lucky girl I used to know though we might have became strangers, k? Pinky promiseee. :)
You're still the one that knows/understands me best loh hahahaha. (Y)! :D And don't slack during these free days when people are chionging k! Mug harddd!! :P

hot like fire.

Omgomgomgomgomg.
You wouldn't believe what happened! O:

I switched on the hair dryer that failed to work despite me refixing it over and over. My mother fixed it and it worked. So I sat down happily to blow my hair before it suddenly stopped working again. While sitting down, I used my leg to like push the wire left and right and it came on again. Happily, I continued using the hairdryer.
Suddenly, the wire near the socket started to have bright sparks shooting (and I mean shooting) out of it while I was still happily blowing my hair. Instead of shooting sparks, it started shooting fire and by then it has obviously already caught my attention. I immendiately switched off the hairdryer, flung it on the table and shot out of my chair. I was like jumping like some freak outside the room I was drying my hair in before my parents came to my rescue and swtched off the switch for me with a cloth/wood. :) Because the fire stopped that is. :D

Hahahaha. Omg like damn cool and we're gonna go get a new hairdryer nao! (Y)
(I think I can still feel the electricity at my feet.) :D

dream or not? :)

I'm sure you don't realise this, but when somebody treats me very nice (espC&D), I'll be silently pinching myself to see if I'm dreaming. Because dreams really feel like reality. And I couldn't believe oral was managable. :) I really don't want to wake up and realise oral isn't over. And it feels so scary that prelims started because I thought I still had a month before it started. I hope my English will be okay though it felt a little screwed.

Anyway, thanks for standing up for me yesterday, although I shouldn't have shared such a sensitive topic that, like you said, no girl would talk about. I was, unsurprisingly, trembling. It felt as if I couldn't feel my hands that I've to constantly move it. But to see you put in much effort (even though you doubted me a lot somehow), I told myself you were doing this for me. First time see you so man lah seriously. :) I can't match you with the guy that didn't even dare to ask for curry sauce in Macs. Hahaha. Nonetheless, thank you. You make me feel much better to see how things aren't that bad anymore. You make me believe that perseverence is the key to cherishing second chances. :D

C, you've to be strong because you've always been here for me for me but I can't do anything for you but wish you'll be happy. I miss the old you, how you're so happy all the time despite all the setbacks in life. :) You're really strong, ten times or a hundred times stronger than me. I'll be here whenever you need someone to talk to, but if you prefer to talk to someone else, its okay too. So long you feel better alright? I really wish I can do something for you, really. And don't worry about your oral lah, you'll definitely be okay. :D Trust me. And you should start giving up on Mimo alreadyyy!! Teeheeho.

unknown mysteries.

I don't like how I keep receiving missed calls all the time when I didn't realise my phone rang. And that thing is, I can't see who called and I can't call back. People always say that if its something important, the person will call back. But what if they don't? (they usually don't) Or if they do and I miss it again? I won't even know if its two separate persons.
And then again, I got unknown taggers. Idk what so secretive. If we really don't know each other, I guess its okay. But if we do, and you're shy or for whatever reasons, give me a text or smth. At least I know who's that out there. Plus, I realised there're many stalkers out there and it kinda freaks me out. I don't even understand why people like to read long emo posts when they already know this is my ranting area. Weird generation though. :/

All in all, leave a name if you tag, and leave me a message when I miss your call so that I can get back to you. Kthxbai. (I'm still damn worried for my oral/prelims omfg.)

I wish you'll always be happy because seeing that smile on your face always makes me happy/satisfied for no apparent reason.
And I'll prove you wrong. Just wait and see.

cheap and dirty.

I don't know why, but I feel like a slut/prostitute/cheap bitch now. I just want to erase everything that happened. I feel so grossed out or this might be some aftermath that I feel like scrubbing my skin till it peels, and peel all my skin off so I'll get new ones. And I hope I can pull out my brain and pick out all those things I don't want to remember and burn them. I wish I could. It haunts me everytime someone mentions something related and it scares me more than cockroaches do.

I just want to prove myself so badly to you. But its getting all one-sided. Maybe you've already lost everything you once had for me, I don't know. I wish I knew what you were thinking. I wish I knew how to please you. I wish I wouldn't be so stupid. I wish I would stop crying and embarrassing myself because it takes so much for me to even start crying.
After walking it the rain, it felt like I was being washed. I never thought it felt so good to be drenched. It felt so cold with the massive wind, yet so comforting. Its as though the sky sympathises me and is expressing my feelings deep down. I think I'm shivering o: I thinkkk. And I'm hungryyy. :(

On a lighter note, I wish oral will be easy tmrw and that prelims won't stress me out. I need to start mugging. I need to act like a nerd.
Nonetheless, Happy Birthday Auntie, though you might not have liked me alot. :) But I think you've been really great to me. My impression of you hasn't changed from the very start. :) I love you! :D (not in that way though.)

timid, pessimistic, insecure, weak.

All of a sudden, I hate myself so much for eating today. Not because I'm on a diet, but it just doesn't feel right.

Things to note:
1. I can't do tuition math that is supposedly easy.
2. I can't do tuition physics that everybody can.
3. I can't concentrate on studying for prelims.
4. I failed to send Mr Yap off.
5. My parents make me feel like shit at times.
6. My dad has a great sense of humour.
7. I feel like crying when I laugh.
8. I almost broke down today many times.
9. I'm glad I didn't.
10. I feel like vomitting.
11. I look ugly because my face depicts my mood and it sucks that even my face can't lie.
12. My orange shampoo is running out.
13. I believe in karma.
14. I fail to bring joy and fail to hide my misery.
15. I need to stop scolding vulgarities although it can describe my mood best.
16. I need more sleep.
17. I don't have enough time.
18. I think about him all the time.
19. Its all one-sided.
20. I wish, I meant something more.
21. I got dark eye circles that are very super obvious now.
22. Self suicidal is a definite no-no for me.
23. I feel pathetic and really stupid.
24. I hate myself.
25. This is my favourite number and probably the most significant in my life.

I realised that when you die, you don't really die. Instead, you live forever, in people's heart. And in the memories, you're remembered for how perfect you are.
I wish I can be slightly more towards perfect.

Fuck, I feel damn desperate/weak.
I need to stop this.

cold hard truths.

:'( suddenly everything around me seems so sad. There's no wind, the trees no longer sway, the birds no longer chirp happily, and there're no children playing outside and screaming. Everything's so quiet, its like they're mourning for my loss too. I wish it was a small loss for me too. But its not. :( Even my hair screws up, and then I look at my mirror and feel so ugly. Because somehow, all the colours seem to have left me overnight.
All I'm left with are memories. And they keep stabbing at my heart because it feels like everything just happened yesterday. I know nothing will be the same again. But I'm just clinging on to that very tiny piece of hope.

What if I told you that I am traumatised about something you never knew? I wish you'll heal this. But you left. I don't blame you. Its just that I couldn't bring myself to tell you this, because I know that you'll leave me, because you'll despise me, because, it just brings me closer to being a slut.

Fuck, I hate myself now. I hate how I've to always talk about sensitive topics. How I always make myself so weak and pathetic, yearning for something that doesn't belong to me anymore.
You belong with her. No one can ever replace her, like how no one will replace you. I'm sorry I hurt you again.


I'm sorry, forgive me. I shouldn't. I let you down. I failed. I tried, really. I want to get good grades. Help me get away from this pain, help him move on. Help him get good grades, make him happy. All I need is some courage. Give me some. I don't want to go through all these again. Enlightenment, bravery. Spare me some. :(
I really don't want to screw up.
Again.

forever never.

Nothing lasts forever. Don't ever promise forever, because there'll always be someone holding on to that word.
I always go to bed hating myself when I make you angry. Your mum tells me you're hot-tempered, but I always try but fail, to erase that side of you.

I really really miss that old you that loves me, that puts me before everything else. But now, nothing that I do affects your heart a slightest bit.

Because.
I'm not the first.
I hurt you too badly.
She's a thousand times better than me and you will never ever get over her.

To you, this is so trival because you've gone through worse. But to me, its my first and its feeling so badly I don't know whether you understand that you're probably the only medicine. And you chose not to cure me. :(

You say I don't understand you at all.
But that's because you never gave me the chance to. You never told me how you felt at all. You didn't want to share.

Now, I suffer from all the memories you've left me with. Somehow, I wish I never returned the ipod/the blue book. I wish the ipod still had the songs I were so familiar with. I wish I still had things to remember you by.
I hope you'll remember me with all the notes you have. :)
I love you.

Ps/ I still regret having so little photos!! :( :( :(
This sucks.
Boo. D:

empty again.

Ate dinner alone on my huge dining table and it was so quiet. So very quiet it makes me so scared and leaving my heart feeling so lonely and empty, again.
I didn't mean it. I don't want you to be angry. I don't want you to be sad. I don't want you to feel frustrated.

I just want a little mutual trust and understanding. Afterall, you can totally see how much (or some people say stupidly) I am head over heels you.
I wish you'll see that you're the one. And it hasn't changed since the start.

At least for me it hasn't.
Please stop ignoring me, please. :(

weird mood swings.

Happy belated National Day. :)

I woke up this morning many a times and keep going back to sleep. I ended up only waking up at 12noon. Was actually really happy this morning after a phone call that ended at 10am. I was laughing and all before I went back to sleep.

Woke up at 12 to eat Maggi Mee and cook for my brother too. How sweet right. Then now I use comp then like damn sad already idk why. I've like no mood to mug/do anything else when I'm lagging behind in my study timetable by a hell lot already.

I think its just because I'm jealous that my brother has a girlfriend nao and she's at our house. And suddenly that empty feeling hits me again to remind me once again about the people I've lost this year.

I never got them back no matter how close I almost did. :(

Both of you.

It feels like I've always been self-comforting and telling myself that everything's the same but somehow its never like before.

On a lighter note, my India buddy's gone home.

Mixed emotions now, and really really really tired.

The least painful way to die?

Sleep in the car and never wake up.

*winks. :)

(no worries, the thought of commiting suicide didn't cross my mind) ;)

I still feel guilty for trying to replace you even though it has been about 9months ago when I first did that. I'm glad I somehow never managed to. :)

national day celebrationnn.

National day celebration actually kinda sucked really. To think its our lasy year in XMS and this is the kind of leaving celebration we got. Just singing two songs whereby its not even the sound from the soundtrack. :/ I think I shouldnt comment on the person who sang the songs.
I thought today was kinda pathetic and actually, I do feel somewhat ruined already. Mr.Pah said we should be celebrating today but yet I'm just sitting in the canteen and not doing much. In fact, I've nothing to do and I'm like sleeping or something. No celebratory mood at all.
Let's just skip the part about the India buddies already. I think I feel grossed out enough.
Now I'm like looking at all the teachers eat duians, mangosteens, longans etc in the canteen. Omfg I feel damn sian and the smell is overwhelmingly disgusting and I feel like vomitting even thought I like every single type of fruit that is sitting on the table. I think my body's just acting up a little bit and I kinda feel really uncomfortable.

There's like nobody in school at all lah damn freaking sian. I feel like going home, but now there's nobody at home and I dont even have my comfortable bed to lie on anymore. At least for now.

Seriously, just fuck everything. Go ahead and tell me how mean I am towards my buddy. Blame me loh, say I'm bad to her. Anything.
I think I'm not affected anymore because I feel like I've done more than just providing her a place to sleep at night and I cant take this shit already.
I hope she goes back before I freak out. Really. I'm gonna screw prelims/o levels. Tell me to tolerate. Yeah, okay, I will. Maybe you'll trust me to sat that, but I don't know if I'll keep my promise.

Fuck off, sluts/bastards. Be gone now.

100th: forgive & forget.

After reading wanyi's blog post, I feel so inferior for being so immature. I hope life really have alot in store for me! :D
This is my 100th post, so I'll learn this important lesson today - to forgive and forget.

I need to stop clinging on, because those that really matter never really leave. Though I'll never stop wishing people come back, I'll also never stop hoping for them to be happy.
Because sometimes a smile is all it takes to make you feel its all worth it. :)

:DDD yay me yay you yay everything.
Except o levels, prelims and the bicultural omfg. :( i feel damn cheated/scammed by Mr.Singh. I hope my prelims will be okay still, and I'll get good grades! :) wheee.
Next tuesdayyy omfggg!! o:

belief, hope, faith.

C: I'm just sorry I always screw things up. I know I give up easily and I don't try hard enough. I dont perservere, I'm just not up to the standard, and I,m pessimistic. I know. I just want you to know that you've been a significant piece in my life, and the past 1year plus has been great, all the fun and laughter, its possible because you were there. I know you never felt like I appreciated you and that I didn't do much for you. I'm sorry I failed in that aspect to let you feel how important you were to me. Nonetheless, I'm still glad/comforted somehow that you lead a better life now, and knowing that you've found a better replacement makes the pieces fit even better. Thanks for being there with me thick and thin, I'm sorry I couldnt make the "f" in "bff" forever. I just want you to know that letting you go was a decision I didn't want to make. But I really didn't get to choose. If you read this, I just want to say sorry for making you feel like I took you for granted and how I abandoned you and made you feel like a substitute. I was wrong, but I just hope things are better for you now. Like you said, you felt like I never did anything when my best friend's gone, yet how I cried day and night for him. In fact, it hurt me a hell lot then. And to see you with someone else that could replace me so easily; I didn't know how to feel. It was probably what I would have wanted, but yet it made my heart ache really badly, idk. But it came to a balance when I realised you're treating her like how you treated me. Your life was back to how it was.
I'm sorry I ruined some parts of your life, but I'm glad you made a comeback. I'm telling you all these not because I want you to come back (in fact, i think you shouldn't), or for you to sympathise me or feel anything, but because I don't you to graduate thinking that you were always the "second-class citizen", because to me, you never were. I admit I put him in priority all the time, but you were equally important. You were always there when I needed you, and your every little action/note touched me and never failed to make me feel better. :) He could see me hurt, but you couldn't. And you did everything you could (including cycling to my house just for a note) to make me feel like you're there for me, despite all my attitude towards you. For all the chances you gave me, I can only say that I didn't treasure them.
Thank you for everything, and I miss you more than those you named for me. I'm just glad you gained much more with one insignificant loss. I hope you'll always stay so cheerful and happy-go-lucky, cause it was that about you that has picked me up time and again when I felt like shit. Please continue to be gayyy! :D Most importantly, thanks for being the best friend I could ever ever have, hollowhead. :)

Ps/ I probably have so much to say, but it doesn't matter. The point is, I'm sorry I can't tell you these in person, cause I probably can't face the fact how you've changed towards me, and I think I won't make it through without crying like some dog. So, goodbye best friend, I hope we'll still be friends. :)